Captain No-Marriage Blog

Marriage is a kick in the nuts.

Archive for September, 2010

Just Say NO To Ultimatums

Posted by Capt. No-Marriage on September 27, 2010

This is your Captain speaking……………..welcome aboard fuckers!!

So I found a great Q&A section over at the Midlife Bachelor’s site, this particular question is from a 42 yr old guy who’s dating a 29 yr old woman.  And guess what, she wants to get married!!!

screaming bitch

Isn’t that awesome, she’s been banging around for a good decade or so and now she wants to get serious and have this guy foot the bill.  She knew her sell-by date was less than a year away and at this point she’s just casting a play, looking for someone to play the part of sperm donor and checkbook.  I loved this letter because it’s FULL of red flags. 

Tell me is this is typical Ameriskank behavior……

“If something is really important to her, I can tell because she will get really emotional quickly if I don’t react the way she thinks I should.”

Or how about this……

‘she got really upset and started crying uncontrollably. Then she got mad at me and said I had better not be wasting her time.’

To all you young guys out there who’ve been dating a nice hot piece of ass, if ANYTHING in that article reminds you of your little princess, then it’s time to get the fuck out!! 

I mean, have you ever talked to a guy who got an ultimatum and was happy about it later?  Hell the fuck no! 

And now a message for the ladies.  Girls if you were truly as awesome as you think you are, then you wouldn’t need to give a guy an ultimatum.  Ultimatums are just more proof that marriage has nothing to do with love and everything to do with getting the guy to sign on the dotted line.

You are now free to do coke off a call girl.

Posted in Marriage, money, relationship, women | Tagged: , , , , , , , | 2 Comments »

Expired Cunt Wants Me To Pay For Old Vagina!

Posted by Capt. No-Marriage on September 18, 2010

This is your Captain speaking……..welcome aboard fuckers!!

A while back I talked about my lack of interest in my class reunion, however I eventually decided to go along with some good friends of mine who I still keep in touch with. There was also a particular female “friend” there also that I have been conversing with via email before the reunion.

This particular woman is someone who I had an interest in back in high school but was unsuccessful in banging her back then. Even after graduation I’d run into her every now and they, we even went to dinner back before I knew any better. Of course back then she was in her twenties and no doubt had plenty of offers rolling in while at that point in my life I had a blue collar job making a shitty hourly wage.

Fast-forward 3 kids and 2 different fathers later for her and an MBA and good paying job for me…………….and what do you know. When we started talking this time there was a spark!! Love is in the goddamn stankin’ air!! Imagine that! But wait folks, that’s not all. She even confessed that she liked me back in school too! Oh happy happy joy joy!!! Then she told me that she wished I had asked her out back then!!

Hang on a second………..I detect a flaw in the slaw here.  For fuck sake I tried, I did shit I’d never do now to get that pussy! It was not lack of effort on my part! Don’t you just love how women twist shit around? Let’s take a look at what really went the fuck on.




In her 20s she was getting all kinds of offers and little Miss Princess could be as picky as she wanted! But now that her ass is knocking on 40 with “multiple baby daddy syndrome” kicking her in the teeth………..she suddenly has a change of heart. Thank goodness my lucky stars!! Oh, did I mention that this chick doesn’t have any kind of career or education to fall back on; her 401k is finding a guy (sucker) to lock in and make him pay!! Speaking of paying, do I even have to mention that one of the father’s is a loser who doesn’t pay child support? Big surprise I know.

Now that all the good prospects have dried up, oh yes now she wants me to come in with my Captain Save-A-Hoe cape and pay all the bills. Pay for the fun all other guys had who got her in her prime, back when the ass was still firm, the tits pointed straight ahead and the pussy was still tight. Yes, now she wants a one on one serious relationship.

To quote an old Saturday Night Live skit…..”Isn’t that special!”

You are now free to bang hookers in Europe.

Posted in money, relationship, women | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , | 5 Comments »

What Kind Of Fuckery Is This???

Posted by Capt. No-Marriage on September 14, 2010

This is your Captain speaking………welcome aboard fuckers!!!

Check this shit out, I’ll drink a beer while I wait….

First off, let me say something to this guy that he probably never heard from his wife.  Thank you.  Thank you for your service to this country.

So this guy has to pay over thirty grand in alimony for the rest of her life, plus another ten grand for child support.  I mean his ex-wife who is a fucking nurse gets half of his military retirement?  What the fuck for?  Why didn’t she have her own retirement?  What happened to all this equality bullshit.  Oh that’s right, women only want to be equal when it suits them, the rest of the time the bitches want to play the victim.

Now this guy is much nicer than me, no surprise there.  I do NOT agree that she is entitled to his military retirement.  In fact, in today’s society if a woman chooses to depend on a man and ends up with nothing then she should get nothing, because here in the grown-up world we have to live with the consequences of our decisions girls.  Crazy concept, I know.  There should NEVER be alimony!! 

At the very least if you don’t have a job, then no alimony check and no child support check.  If you can’t hold down a goddamn job then you don’t deserve to take money from someone who can, you lazy cunt!  Go fuck yourself.

At least if I get a professional hooker she tells me upfront how much money she’s going to take, which is 1000 times more honest than 99.999999999% of American Women.

You’re now free to hire a professional. 



Posted in Marriage, money, relationship, women | Tagged: , , , , | Leave a Comment »

Have You Heard???

Posted by Capt. No-Marriage on September 9, 2010

This is your Captain speaking…………….welcome aboard fuckers!!!

Gentlemen what have you heard from your friends lately?  My friends and I have been talking about the start of the NFL season, the 80s style shoot em up movie “The Expendables”, and other important stuff like beer and other fine spirits.

anheuser busch beer

Notice how when something kicks ass, everybody talks about it?  Whether it’s new brew your buddy just discovered, the latest cool gadget, or that finely put together porn movie, it doesn’t matter; if it’s cool you’re going to hear about it!!

So what do you hear about marriage?????


That’s right, you hear that it fucking sucks ass!!  Have at any point in your life has one of your friends called you up or come to your house screaming about how awesome marriage is?  Know any guys jumping up and down like Tom Cruise on Oprah’s couch yelling about how much marriage rocks?  Do your married buddies talk about how the sex just gets better every time or how she can’t stop swallowing his load or that his wife is in the best shape of her life after they said “I do”.

No, you don’t do you?  In fact you hear the opposite.  They complain about the lack of sex, or that they have to buy it in the form of shopping or dinners.  You hear stories about how she completely let herself go as soon as she had him locked in.  They describe their wife as battle-ax, the warden, ball-n-chain, buzzkill, and as one of my friends called his wife…..the virgin Mary.


Does marriage sound like a good idea fellas?  Are you one of those guys who thinks that they are different?  That your girl is different, that you and you alone picked the right one?  If that’s the case then you need to play lotto, for one your odds are a lot better.

Marriage is shit guys, trust me.  If it kicked ass then those of us who fucked up and made that mistake would be telling you how shit-balls awesome it was.  But we’re not!!!!  Because it’s a bad decision for men, period.

You’re now free to grab a beer and hit the emergency exit.



Posted in Marriage, relationship, sex | Tagged: , , , , , , , | 1 Comment »

Alimony: A Lottery

Posted by Capt. No-Marriage on September 4, 2010

Posted in Marriage, money | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments »

Too Good to be True???

Posted by Capt. No-Marriage on September 2, 2010

This is your Captain speaking………..welcome aboard fuckers!!!

Sometimes you have to take these bitches with a grain of salt.  Yes even my sarcastic ass knows that not ALL American women are fucked up, just 99.99999% of them are.  So there is a chance that I might meet one that is cool, just like there’s a chance I might win Power Ball, catch a unicorn or shit a golden turd.

So what happens when you meet that one that’s fan-fucking-tastic!!!  I mean she’s great, cool to hang with, likes your friends, and of course sucks the fucking color off your dick!  To quote the great philosopher Kenny Loggins, this is when you are in “The Danger Zone”.  This is when you can get easily distracted by her firm ass and excellent oral communication skills.

Don’t let your guard down gentlemen!  Take a step back and evaluate the situation as if you were giving advice to one of your drinking buds.   It will give you a much better picture of what you really have on your hands.  Recently, I’ve found myself in this same exact situation and when I did step back and mulled things over with my good friend Johnnie Walker here are some of the red flags that I found whipping in the wind.

Multiple kids, multiple fathers. (who don’t pay child support)
Previous “serious” relationship was abusive.
Complains about not finding any “good” men.
Radical spike in interest after learning of career path
Lots of male friends, very few female friends.
No goals, career or otherwise.  (waiting on Prince Charming)

    The list goes on, but you get the picture.  It’s easy to ignore the warning signs when someone is swallowing your load; especially when they do their best to hide them. Until next time fuckers.

    You’re now free to drink scotch on the rocks.

    Posted in sex, women | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

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