This is your Captain speaking…………….welcome aboard fuckers!!

I get all kinds of crazy shit in my inbox, mostly hate mail from some meth skank who is pissed off because her twat drags the ground when she walks.  But this time I found a cry for help from a reader.  I’ve changed the name to protect his dumb ass.

Hey Captain,

I’ve been reading your blog for a couple months now and you make me laugh every time I log on to my laptop. But I have a problem that I hope you could help me with. I’m a 31yr old guy who just finished graduate school. I have an ok job now making ok money, but I have a chance to possibly get another job with an awesome company in a larger city. I’ll get around a $20k raise and I’ll be making over $100k in about 5yrs if I stick with it. The problem is at my current job I met a really cool girl. She’s great! I know what you’re thinking but she really is fun to be around even with our clothes on. She’s not like most American bitches. Hell, she even cooks!

But, she is going through a divorce right now. Her kids dad is pretty much a loser who doesn’t want to help her out in any way with the kids. She got with him when she was young, but now she has matured and realizes her mistake. I know money isn’t everything so should I put off getting a new job for a little bit just to help her out? I’d feel like a jerk if I just went for the money and didn’t worry about her.

Let me know what you think. Thanks.

Byron

Ok, “Byron” thanks for dropping me a line.  So let’s take it from the fucking top.  You probably went to graduate school for the same reason that most of us go to graduate school…………to make MONEY!  You obviously had some kind of plan in place, don’t let a piece of ass get in the way, especially a high-mileage with a shit ton of baggage!

Newsflash:  All single moms who have losers for an ex and need to find a new sucker to pay all their bills are………wait for it………….really cool girls.  It’s called bait and switch!  She has to play nice, she’s damaged goods!!

But Byron, I don’t know what field you are in, but if your profession is like mine you can’t afford to get dragged down into the mud with a bunch of parental trailer trash drama.  What happens when the loser takes a swing at you?  Or better yet beats her up then you put on your Capt Save A Skank cape and slug him and guess who she’ll be crying over when the cops arrive?  It won’t be you Ace, it’ll be the father of her bastard children.  You will be the one in the slammer!! 

Tell me, how well does a felony go with your graduate degree?  What would your income potential be as a convicted felon?  You said right now your next gig would take you into the six figure range, so multiply that out by 20 or 30 years.  This is MILLIONS of fucking dollars we’re talking about here you fuck!  Goddamn! Wake the fuck up! 

You think some bitch who has already shit out some future car-jackers out of her twat is worth MILLIONS of dollars?  Are you fucking tit lick serious?

Stop talking to this bitch TODAY!  Do NOT take her calls, do not answer her texts.  Get the fuck away from her as fast as you can and from now on no more fishing off the company pier!  Find your pussy elsewhere and without all the baggage.

To quote Tom Leykis “DUMP THAT BITCH!!!!”

Soooooo, what say the rest of you to Byron?

You’re now free to dump that bitch.