Captain No-Marriage Blog

This is your Captain speaking…………..welcome aboard fuckers!!!

I know many of you were worried that I was taken up in the rapture that happened this past Saturday. But fear not, I am still here, as are you.  So let’s get this shit cracking!

Good news travels fast folks and it didn’t take long for some single mothers trying to hock their tired old wares on your Captain.  Yes my friends, these women are trying to convince me to not just buy; but grossly overpay for a vehicle that is high mileage, thoroughly abused, and in serious need of some major body work!!!

Now a few of these clunkers are in decent shape considering all the wear and tear that’s been put on them by guys in the past.  You’ve been there right, the used car salesman puts a nice coat of wax on the old banger.  It looks great from the road when you drive past at 60 mph.

Then you turn around and pull into the lot to get a closer look and that’s when you see that they parked it so the side that’s smashed in is facing away from the road.  You see the tires are flat and bald.  You notice the paint is cracked and looks like warm shit.  Not to mention that to get the thing running you need a fucking NASCAR pit crew.  Even then it mostly just sputters and smokes a lot.

Sound like anyone you know?  Like the kind of chick who looks great in jeans, then when you get them off of her you feel like you’re participating in the fucking moon landing!!! 

And the tits, OMFG the tits!!!  Major source of false advertising there!!  Ladies, I know they make bras that can make you look really good with your shirt on, but eventually you’ll have to take that shirt off and we will see your rack that looks like someone vomited into a couple of gym socks from where you cranked out a bunch of kids.  Plus ladies if you are an A cup, your water bra isn’t fooling shit!!!!

So beware of these charlatans gentlemen!  Don’t fall for it, don’t do the U-turn, just keep on driving right past!  I haven’t even gotten to all the fucking baggage these broads carry around…..I’ll do that next time.  Same fuck time, same fuck channel.

You’re now free to motorboat your sister’s best friend.