This is your Captain speaking……………welcome aboard fuckers!

Just thought I’d take a moment to set down my beer and give some of  you fuckers out there some insight on how to get the fuck out of that shit hole of a relationship you’re in. This applies if you’re just living with somebody too, not just marriage.  I’ll be covering several common problems/tactics and if I have to break this up into multiple posts I will.

You have to fucking plan. I know that sounds like some gay Dr Fuck Phil shit, but it’s true, it’s damn true.  But a plan will also take some pressure off you because there will be a light at the end of the tunnel.

  1.   You fucking have a joint account that you both put all your money into.

Usually in this scenario you both also take out some spending money or some type of allowance or whatever the fuck.  This is where you need to quit spending that on $5 coffee and crack whores and put some aside in an account with your name on it only.  Just remember to “go green”, as in make sure everything is electronic.  Monthly statements, all correspondence in fact; make it paperless.  Most banks are more than happy to do this since it saves them money and saves your ass.

   2.  Your other half keeps buying shit.

Do NOT enter into ANY additional debt!  Personal or joint!!!  Now that you’ve decided to make a break for the fence you want to be as light on your feet as possible.  No new car loans with wifey, no lines of credit, no additional bills that you would be on the hook for!  Stand firm on this one guys, getting you buried in debt is a common tactic women use to keep your ass chained to your job and to her ever expanding ass.

   3.  The bitch likes to snoop.

You have to cover your tracks in multiple areas here.  First off, browser history.  Most browsers have some type of private mode, make sure you use it. You don’t want your princess to see that you’ve been on apartments.com or reading the Captain No Marriage Blog.  If possible don’t share a computer, but even still, clear your browsing history.

Cell phone…., even if you delete your calls she can often still go online and view the call history there.  So don’t use your regular cell phone for shit except boring ass calls to her and your normal family and friends. Get some type of cheap ass prepaid, Wal-Mart is a great place to do this.  These phones can be recharged through cards that you pay cash for.  This is a must if you are fucking around on the side, but even if you aren’t it’s still a great idea for your other half not to know that you were calling the local utilities or checking on that sweet waterfront condo.

   4.  No more fucking kids!!

This actually goes with the one about not getting yourself deeper into debt.  Yes you love your kids, yada, yada, fucking goddamn yada.  Kids cost money!  If you are unhappy do NOT have another child with someone that you are wanting to leave.  In fact minimize sex as much as you can, we all know at least one person who was getting ready to leave when “suddenly” she became pregnant.  This is not the time to trust her with the birth control or start using the pull out method.

I could go on but my fucking beer is getting warm.  I’ll continue this shit some other time.

You’re now free to respect the van.