Captain No-Marriage Blog

Marriage is a kick in the nuts.

Archive for November, 2011

This One’s For Da Ladies….

Posted by Capt. No-Marriage on November 28, 2011

ASSume da position

This is your Captain speaking……welcome aboard you fucking fuck fuckers!!!

So over the weekend I ate at one of the most entertaining lunch venues around, a place where a guy can always look and laugh at the final resting place of most Ameriskanks, I’m talking about Rubychillifridaygardenlobsterhorn.  There you will always find some shrill and her friend at the bar, way past their prime complaining about men.  So I’ve decided to help them out and explain some shit to them.

Their issue?  Men only want one thing from them.  Sex.sagging old tits

Our subjects were in their late 30s or early 40s, you could tell that they used to be hot, but time and high mileage had clearly taken it’s toll.  And these aren’t the older women you see in the gym that actually have a decent body, oh no these two birds were just trying to get by with stuffing their sagging tits into a pushup bra.  PBR wouldn’t even do the trick with these broads, you’d need something stronger like Colt 45 or Steel Reserve. 

Ladies, the reason guys only want sex from you is because that is all you have to offer.  This goes for women of any age.  Women who have their shit together emotionally, physically and financially don’t have this complaint. 

This reminded me of a high school classmate that I ran into a while back, she made the comment that all that hits on her are either really old guys or really young guys.  Well sweetie, successful guys don’t have to settle for a single mom with 3 kids from 2 different guys.  Mystery solved, call me fucking Shercock Holmes.

Now do most guys want sex, fucking duh!!!!!  However a lot of guys would love to find that one really great chick like the one I mentioned above, the mythical woman who actually has her shit together.  Although you’d probably have more luck finding a golden unicorn and fucking it in the ass, anywhore…until we find either her or the unicorn we’re just going to keep using you for the only purpose you could possibly serve…..a hole.

You’re now free to fuck a unicorn in the ass.

unicorn hoe

Posted in avoid marriage, boobs, marriage sucks, sex, Single mothers, women | Tagged: , , | 3 Comments »

Don’t Shit On My Goddamn Table You Fucking Cunt-tard!!

Posted by Capt. No-Marriage on November 22, 2011

thanksgiving side dish

This is your Captain speaking…..welcome aboard fuckers!

I tell you crazy fuckers what, the shit I hear in the company cafeteria never ceases to amaze or piss me off.

Fat cunt 1 and fat cunt 2 are a couple of tables away but are talking loud enough so that the entire fucking county can hear them.  They are blathering on about how men don’t appreciate them and about how they bring “a lot to the table”.   Now ladies listen up, just because you bring something to the table doesn’t mean that the other person wants it.

Do these women bring a lot to the table, why yes, in so many ways however none of them are good if you’re a guy.

First off, they’re clearly attention whores.  You always know they’re around long before you see them because they make sure they talk loud enough so thatcasey everyone knows they’re there.  While they are young, they do not give two shits about their appearance and are pushing two bills.  Let’s not forget these chicks didn’t have time to go to college so they have a nice low level, low paying job.  Who knows what other mental disorders they have, treated or untreated. And the best thing they’re bringing to the table?  Why of course multiple kids from multiple losers!  HOT DAMN SIGN ME UP!

Yes these cunt-tards do bring a lot to the table, I actually have to agree with them on that, too bad they don’t bring anything worthwhile to the fucking table.  But how often have you heard this?  Tons I’d bet!

Even if the chick is smoking hot chances are that’s all she’s bringing is her looks and her vagina.  Neither of which will be worth looking at 10 years from now.  So even if she’s hot it’s still best to just hop in for a test drive, ride it hard and promptly return the keys before any payments are due.

The United States (and other Western countries) are full of these entitlement princesses that think that their mere presence is a gift to god himself.  I wouldn’t take the time to piss in these bitches faces, it’d be a waste of PBR.

You’re now free to piss in a strippers face.

Hey fuckers, just wanted to tell you that the Zero Tolerance Man is fucking back and you can find him at so get your asses over there! 


Posted in avoid marriage, marriage sucks, Single mothers, women | Tagged: , , | 4 Comments »

Shit That Really Pisses Me Off!

Posted by Capt. No-Marriage on November 16, 2011

What’s up you fucking fuckers!

Well fuck, I signed into my Twatter….I mean Twitter account today and had a message from the Great One himself, ZTM (the Zero Tolerance Man).  His blog got hacked.

angry-feminist-i-hate-you-with-my-vaginaSo if you’ve been clicking on the link to his site over there on the right hand side, that’s what the fuck has happened.  And this REALLY pisses me off!

No disrespect to any of the great sites and blogs out there, I’ve mentioned it before that ZTM’s site was the first I found way back when I typed in “fuck marriage” into the Google search box.  Here was a guy who echoed the same shit me and so many other guys have been going through. We were fed up with women’s bullshit! 

His site led me to many of the sites you will find on my blogroll, the commentary and even the comments on his site are always top fucking notch! 

But don’t despair fuckers, ZTM’s message also said “need to start again”, so if you think he’s quitting, no fucking chance.  So right now I need all you fuckers to join me and raise your PBR and toast ZTM.  He’ll be back!

hell fuck yes

Posted in Uncategorized | 7 Comments »

Shit That’s Pissing Me Off Today…

Posted by Capt. No-Marriage on November 15, 2011


What’s up fuckers! 

You know what’s really pissing me off right now?  Women who EXPECT other people, like you and I, to help foot the bill for their kids that they can’t afford!

While eating lunch at an unnamed chain restaurant, let’s call it Rubychillifridaygardenlobsterhorn and in the booth behind me were these two bitches in their late 20s, the one was crying her eyes out about not knowing what to do now that she’s pregnant.

Something must be in the fucking water because when I turn on the local news there’s always a story asking people to help some poor single mother with 3 kids from 5 different guys.  Yes, we must help her save her house or feed those crumbcrunchers.  The shit’s everywhere!!  Anyways…back to my fuck story.

Apparently this stupid cunt doesn’t even have a job with health insurance, so she was telling her friend that she was soooooo worried about being denied Medicaid.  She told her cunt friend that “I need help, I can’t do this alone.”  Hmm, maybe you should have found a man, but that’s too fucking old school for you isn’t?

You should have thought about that before dumbass.  There are just too many types of birth control out there, not to mention the morning after pill for me to buy this line of shit.  She wanted a baby, she didn’t give two shits worth of thought as to how she’d actually raise the kid or the quality of life that child would have.

If I went around saying fellow taxpayers should fund my dream of my own private cruise ship filled with alcohol and staffed with chefs and horny Brazilian women and 2 midgets people would tell me how stupid I was.  They’d tell me to get a job and fund my own fucking fantasy.

Well ladies, that’s what you should fucking do.  Nobody owes you a dime, if you want something then do what men do…..plan and work for it.

Peace out fuckers, I’ll see you on the cruise ship!


Posted in Captain No Marriage, money, sex, Single mothers, women | Tagged: | 1 Comment »

Everything Happens For a Reason…Right???

Posted by Capt. No-Marriage on November 6, 2011


This is your Captain speaking…..welcome aboard fuckers!!

You guys send me come crazy ass links to stories, not to mention the crazy and even heartbreaking personal stories that yourself or a friend has gone through.  Be it a bitter divorce, insane women, child custody bullshit, there’s a lot of shit going on out there.  I think that we all would agree that the ones that hit us the hardest are the ones we witness ourselves, either personally or through a close friend.  Today I have one from a close friend who has agreed to allow me to share his story (he will of course remain anonymous so that the fuck crazy cunt can’t sue him!)johnny-walker-scotch

So let’s call my buddy Johnny, not to be confused with my other good friend Johnnie Walker, Johnny is separated from his wife and while going through the amazingly slow divorce process in our state we’ve been hanging out, drinking, banging broads, normal guy stuff.  Well he ended up meeting some chick that used to work with him.  The had worked together for about 6 years, but both were married at the time.  Johnny said that he always thought she was hot, but never pursued since they were both married at the time.

Pretty soon him and this gal were glued at the hip, but this was the happiest I’ve seen this fucker in almost 15 years!!!  So she looked like a nice piece of ass, she actually seemed to liked his friends…yes even me.  After dating several months she was constantly telling him that nobody had ever treated her as good as he treated her.  Fuck, red flag number one, a woman who is used to being treated like shit. 

From this point Johnny’s story sounds like one we’ve all seen or heard.  She starts heaping all sorts of admiration on to him, telling him how great he is, how lucky she is to be with him.  This is a sharp contrast from his marriage where his spirit and wallet were slowly broken down over the years.  So I’m not shitting on Johnny for getting caught up in this siren’s call.  But a siren call it was.

casey-anthony-hotOne thing Johnny was smart about was he got a vasectomy a few years back so that his wife couldn’t have any more “accidents”. 

Here’s where this turns into a classic story about your typical American woman.  A couple of weeks ago, we were drinking beer and watching some Sunday Night Football.  His phone starts to explode with text messages from her, frantic messages about her fucking up and being so in love with Johnny.  Next thing we know, there’s a knock at the door and guess who it is?

She’s standing at the door, makeup smeared from crying, wearing a dress cut so low that if she breathed too quickly her tits would fly out and so short that the least bit of movement revealed a bit of ass cheek.  They went outside to talk and when Johnny came back inside…alone, this is what he told me.

One of her ex-boyfriends was in town and gotten a hold of her, through FaceBook of course, they had been chatting for a while.  Yes, this is one of the guys who had cheated on her, did drugs and roughed her up in the paslut girlfriendst.  He happened to be at a local bar and invited her for drinks.  So she went and put on the skimpiest dress she owned and met him.  Oh did I forget that she had been texting and calling Johnny all day telling him how in love she was with him?  Yep, judging by her story and her texts she was telling my buddy how great he was about an hour before she was riding another guy’s cock.

But that’s not all folks!!!!  Hells no!  This shit is about to go Maury Show!!! Now she has just found out that she’s pregnant.  So not only did she dress like a slut, she wasn’t on birth control, she not only decided to have sex with a druggie, she had unprotected sex with the druggie and didn’t even attempt the pullout method. 

Being the self-righteous bitch whore that she is, she now thinks that he should forgive her and is telling him how much she needs him during this time,  because she’s scared.  I told him it was good that he found this out relatively early, that while fun to hang around, she’s a nothing but a common slut. 

This pissed him off of course until I asked him, if she’s not a slut then who is?  If a woman can tell one guy that she is sooooo in love with him, then an hour later be riding raw on top of another guy…if that woman isn’t a slut than what is?

The thing that gets me is that she is actually trying to shame him!  She even said that if he can’t stay with her then he’s a coward.  What?  Coward?  How about fucking he’s a normal human being who doesn’t like being shit on?  To her he shouldn’t bring this up because she admitted she made…..a mistake.  NO CUNT, you made a series of decisions!

knocked up bitchHe let me listen to one of the 6,000,000 voicemail messages that she’s left since dumping her where this bitch actually said…and I shall quote: “I believe everything happens for a reason, god is testing me…”

Look I’m not even fucking religious but it pisses me off when people try to bring god into their fucked up decisions!  Although she is right about one thing, this did happen for a reason.  It happened because she made the decision to not be on any form of birth control, she made the decision to communicate with other guys (if they admit to one, put a zero on it to get the real number of guys she’s talking to), then she made the decision to bang this guy without even using a condom.  Yes honey, shit does happen for a reason and in this case the reason is that you are a fucking slut.  I can’t even call her a whore, at least a whore values herself enough to have a price. 

So Johnny is pretty tore up about this, he said he’s disappointed more than anything.  He thought he really knew her, a mistake most of us have made at some point.  We give the benefit of the doubt to those who have not yet earned it.  Hang in there Johnny, I’ve got a humidor full of cigars and a fridge full of PBR.  We’ll get you through this!

You’re now free to join us for Sunday Night Football and PBR!!


Posted in avoid marriage, Captain No Marriage, marriage sucks, relationship, sex, women | Tagged: , , | 7 Comments »

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