Captain No-Marriage Blog

Marriage is a kick in the nuts.

You Can’t Spice Up A Turd

Posted by Capt. No-Marriage on April 14, 2014


real woman's ass

This is your Captain speaking……welcome aboard fuckers!!!

Last time I got hammered I wrote down some advice for my three female readers.  Well here I am again with one more golden nugget for the girls.  I’m filling in the blanks for the broads out there, so listen up!

If you live long enough you’re bound to hear broad talking about her failing relationship and how she “worked” to make things better.  One often touted method of “working” on things doesn’t actually involve any work at all.  I’m talking about lingerie.  Women talk about how they dress sexy for their husband without any regard how they’ve let themselves go.

What you ladies need to understand is while men like a woman in lingerie, it needs to be said….since most of you are obviously slow…..we like HOT women in lingerie.  Check out the picture above, most me have some version of what we consider hot and that’s what we picture. 

So what happens when you squeeze your ass into something you just picked up off the clearance rack at Adam and Eve???  Well a couple things, first off it’s a stark reminder of how far you’ve let yourself go from the time we first met you.  So if you’re confused as to why your husband used to love you in something skimpy and now he vomits at the mere site of you, that’s why.  You just reminded him of how you ran the old bait-n-switch on him.  average woman

Here’s the other scenario that happens, you were never hot to begin with yet you are under some notion that your guy thinks you’re beautiful when the truth is your guy dropped out of high school and is a loser with few choices.  So you wear you’re little lace outfit but instead of looking like one of the hot chicks on Instagram you look like someone tried to strangle a giant squid with a garden hose.  Good job there Sally, you just basically rubbed your man’s nose in shit, as if he didn’t already know you’re ugly (hence the fact he has to be either high or drunk or both to fuck ya) now you just reminded him of that fact in bold, loud, living color.

So for those of you who want to actually work on your relationship, why not try doing the shit you did to trick him in to marrying you in the first place, like looking hot and blow jobs.

You’re now free to piss on a giant squid.

3 Responses to “You Can’t Spice Up A Turd”

  1. Andy said

    Work on the relationship? It’s obvious they need to work on themselves…at the gym.

  2. You can put a ton of lipstick on a pig — but it’s STILL a pig!

  3. Capt. No-Marriage said

    As usual, both you gentlemen are dead on!!! These broads really think they’re doing something though. These are the same ones who pork up a good 70lbs then complain to their fellow fatties about how their man doesn’t find them attractive any more……well no shit!!!

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