What’s up fuckers!  This is your Captain speaking!!!  Welcome the fuck aboard!

First off, a quick shout out to fucking Norway, why?  Because I’m drunk, that’s why.

So NetFlix and Microsoft have recently announced that they’re helping the mothers of the world out by offering a shitload of paid leave for when they get knocked up.  This is the song all the little ladies love to sing, the song about how you really can have it all.  Right ladies?

Wrong! Take a year off paid huh?  Here’s how you broads are fucking yourself right in your wage gap.

What do you think will happen when it comes time for a raise?  Yes I know the company can’t hold that against you and they shouldn’t.  However you also don’t get any credit for shit that happened while you were gone.  Here’s how many companies administer raises.

Managers get a set amount for raises/promotions which are based on MERIT.  Guess what, your lifestyle choice of shitting out a kid has just as much merit as my new redneck hot tub equipped with rope lighting.  Merit means shit you’ve gotten done at work.  Chances are if you haven’t been at work, you haven’t done shit.  I’m going to give the raises to the people who were doing your job while you were gone.  Not because I hate mothers but because that is fair.  I reward performance, not absence.

Also when it comes time for promotion the people we think of first are the ones who are actually there.  So don’t get pissed off when you come back and I’ve promoted the 300lb lesbian as your new boss. You’re out of site out of mind bitch.  Just like I would be if I took a year off to go buttfuck Trappist monks while they made beer.  And yes, I’m comparing buttfucking monks to shitting out a kid.  At least in my case I’d have to climb a mountain or some shit.

Anywhore, my point is women need to give up this fantasy of having it all and this “balance” bullshit.  If you’re balanced, then you’re not doing shit.

You’re now free go buttfuck some monks and steal their beer.