Captain No-Marriage Blog

Marriage is a kick in the nuts.

You’ll Think How We Tell You To Think!

Posted by Capt. No-Marriage on October 6, 2019


This is your Captain speaking…………Welcome aboard fuckers!!!

I just wanted to share some shit from the corporate world. The company I work for, let’s just call it Fortune 500 Fuckery, ticker symbol FFF. They have monthly re-education classes. Although I think they call it diversity training. Anywhore, it seems like every few months they have to do some class about women in the work place.

The company has already gotten rid of the title of “secretary” and replaced it with “administrative assistant”. Keep in mind that this is not a left leaning GoogleAppleSitOnMyFacebook tech company. If anything I’d say it’s heavily tradcon. Yet here we are, talking about how all of us can help women.

But first let’s review what the company actually does. They make it clear, if you want to go into management, have a degree. They don’t even care what kind of degree, seriously they don’t give two fucks. Oh I’m sorry Miss, you say you don’t have the money because you spent it all on makeup and handbags?  They offer tuition reimbursement and if you go to a community college the tuition is pre-fucking-paid!!!!

This is where they do what Rich Cooper (Entrepreneurs in Cars on da youtubes) calls “point and sputter”. This is where the excuses flow like diarrhea after spoiled burritos.

  • I have kids! Once I say that you aren’t allowed to criticize me for anything!
  • If I go into management I might have to move and my kids are so fragile due to my shitty parenting I don’t want to make them change schools.
  • I have to take my non-athletic kids to soccer even though they hate it.
  • I’m a single mommy who made a shitload of bad decisions, why stop now?

But seriously, I’m not saying college is a cure all. But if someone wants to move up in the company, they have a very clear, established, company funded path. Yet here we are with mandatory meetings to discuss women getting ahead………again.

If you find yourself in meetings like this at work, just sit there quietly. Use the time to check your stock holdings, real estate investments, bitcoin, or whatever other alternative stream of income you’re working on. Something to remind you that you aren’t always going to have to sit through these shitfests of stupidity.

You’re now free to skip class!

One Response to “You’ll Think How We Tell You To Think!”

  1. Andy said

    O Captain! My Captain! I’m dealing with similar corporate fuckery where I work. We recently had a mandatory staff meeting to discuss the employee satisfaction survey results. As you can imagine, they were not all that great. All the employees, myself included kept silent. Sound familiar? We also have biannual education; refresher courses twice a year to remind us what to do in emergencies, workplace violence, fire extinguisher, etc. That’s all fine and dandy; I respect that. I get it. But I swear to fuck I get these assignments in my work e-mail to complete these courses what seems like three times a year. They pop up out of nowhere like weeds or mushrooms. Strangely enough, one e-mail with a link for a class to complete, was sent right before I went on vacation back in June. Last year I had to complete one education class, and it just so happened that I was notified…again right before my vacation in September. Hmmmmm. Luckily, in both instances it was just one class that I could do at my work computer, in a timely fashion, before I left. No sense in leaving that for when I get back, especially when these classes have a due date. But still, I’m sensing some mind games/Office Space closemindedness that is setting me up to fail.

    Anywho, regarding women in the workplace; there is this female co-worker whose desk is next to mine, and she is the complete opposite of me. Obese, slow, inefficient, ungrateful, selfish, spiteful, lacks listening and communication skills, frequently absent, tardy, and sounds sick, and can’t use proper spelling or grammar worth a shit. She’s the weakest link, and ironically, she’s been with the company a year. That’s one year of sitting on her fat ass, playing around on her smartphone, being away from her desk for extended periods of time, and making personal phone calls from her work phone for me to hear. Yup, a year of minimal effort and mediocrity. A year of her accomplishing jack shit. But why has she been retained, you ask? Well, stop me if you’ve heard this one before. She’s a single mother of three, still trying to get child support payments from the deadbeat baby’s daddy. Never mind the fact she’s dating some other fool who she has to call from work and constantly nag to get this and that done.

    “But, but, but, but Andy, what does that have to do with you?” asks the generally narrow-minded and condescending society. Well, I am the one who is always asked of her whereabouts, and I am the one who seemingly gets more work because she fell behind, again or didn’t do her work right much less at all. I am the one the boss asks how the office, the company can become a “well-oiled machine” while skirting the issue of her bad hire. That’s right the boss is trying to justify she made a good hire by deflecting the blame and failing to get to the root of the problem. Oh, and never mind that I live in Commiefornia, and that paycheck keeps getting more taxes taken out of it. The bachelor tax is real. Ms. Unreliable co-worker, who is 34, has a history of foot/ankle/leg surgeries, and is in poor health (hospitalized a couple months ago btw), gets a tax break for having kids. Let’s not forget she lives in a shitty part of town, yet drives a nice 2016 Honda Pilot that she’s taken to the shop on several occasions in her first year of employment with the company. Despite the fact that she lives in a shitty neighborhood, she lives closer to work than I do…and is still frequently late to work.

    How do I know where she lives? She divulges just about everything including her address during her personal phone calls. I can’t help but overhear. And no, headphones are not a solution as I’m on my work phone with clients nearly half the time. My point in all of this is that I’ve dealt with people like this before, and they put all of their time and effort into screwing around, and manipulating people and situations to stay employed. In Ms. Unreliable’s case, she’s protected because she has kids. Due to her being a bit rough around the edges (comes with being from a shitty part of town, having a bit of a chip on her shoulder, having a defiant attitude, and lacking accountability, I don’t dare have a “Come to Jesus Talk” with her. That just might have me meeting with the boss and HR in the blink of an eye.

    Nope, instead I made a decision, recently to start planning my escape. First from the company, and eventually, well hopefully, the state. It’s not magical, and it’s not instant microwave type shit. It’s a process that takes planning. That’s why it’s called an escape plan. Fortunately, I’ve been saving up over the years, and have been putting money into a emergency/Fuck You fund, among other things. Yes, I’ve been diversifying. The day will come when my plan comes together, and I give my notice. It’s not my problem that the “universe gets turned upside down” by me leaving. The moral of the story is, don’t take your best workers for granted. There is a big difference between a culture of accountability and a culture of pointing fingers. The top performers won’t tolerate the latter.

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