Captain No-Marriage Blog

Marriage is a kick in the nuts.

Archive for the ‘relationship’ Category

You Can’t Spice Up A Turd

Posted by Capt. No-Marriage on April 14, 2014

real woman's ass

This is your Captain speaking……welcome aboard fuckers!!!

Last time I got hammered I wrote down some advice for my three female readers.  Well here I am again with one more golden nugget for the girls.  I’m filling in the blanks for the broads out there, so listen up!

If you live long enough you’re bound to hear broad talking about her failing relationship and how she “worked” to make things better.  One often touted method of “working” on things doesn’t actually involve any work at all.  I’m talking about lingerie.  Women talk about how they dress sexy for their husband without any regard how they’ve let themselves go.

What you ladies need to understand is while men like a woman in lingerie, it needs to be said….since most of you are obviously slow…..we like HOT women in lingerie.  Check out the picture above, most me have some version of what we consider hot and that’s what we picture. 

So what happens when you squeeze your ass into something you just picked up off the clearance rack at Adam and Eve???  Well a couple things, first off it’s a stark reminder of how far you’ve let yourself go from the time we first met you.  So if you’re confused as to why your husband used to love you in something skimpy and now he vomits at the mere site of you, that’s why.  You just reminded him of how you ran the old bait-n-switch on him.  average woman

Here’s the other scenario that happens, you were never hot to begin with yet you are under some notion that your guy thinks you’re beautiful when the truth is your guy dropped out of high school and is a loser with few choices.  So you wear you’re little lace outfit but instead of looking like one of the hot chicks on Instagram you look like someone tried to strangle a giant squid with a garden hose.  Good job there Sally, you just basically rubbed your man’s nose in shit, as if he didn’t already know you’re ugly (hence the fact he has to be either high or drunk or both to fuck ya) now you just reminded him of that fact in bold, loud, living color.

So for those of you who want to actually work on your relationship, why not try doing the shit you did to trick him in to marrying you in the first place, like looking hot and blow jobs.

You’re now free to piss on a giant squid.

Posted in Captain No Marriage, marriage sucks, relationship, women's studies | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments »

You’re Just Afraid of Commitment!!!

Posted by Capt. No-Marriage on July 18, 2012

shouting woman won't shut up

This is your Captain speaking, welcome aboard fuckers!!!

How many of us have heard that fucking line before?  All of us probably.  What makes it even more laughable is when the bitch making the accusation is actually the one who has no clue what a real commitment is!

I bet most of us have heard this from some piece of ass whose resume could fit on a post-it note.  No career, no education, nothing going for her except maybe her looks and she has the fucking nerve to tell you that you don’t know what commitment is.

janeI even had one of the slopholes I’m banging try this tired old line when she wanted to be exclusive and I said hell fuck no.  This broad is still waiting tables at age 29, no education, no retirement, no accomplishments to speak of but yet she wants to tell me that I am afraid of commitment.  Jane you ignorant slut!

Newsflash cunts, it takes commitment to build a business, it takes commitment to get attend graduate school full time while working full time, it takes commitment to get up every goddamn morning and go to the fucking gym, it takes commitment to start out at the lowest level of a company and work your way up.  Hell that’s why you don’t see a ton of women at the heights of power in the corporate world, because it takes REAL commitment, REAL work!  Something most women want to avoid at all costs.  They’d rather just spread their legs and pop out a few snatch monkeys then live off the child support and government assistance.

How many of you guys out there bust your ass day in and day out, then some hole you’re fucking tries to run some bullshit mind games on you by telling you what you’re afraid of?  The only thing we’re afraid of is getting fucked over by some broad and the family court system. 

Ladies we’re not afraid of commitment, we just don’t like shitty business deals and that’s all you’re offering!  If you can’t even commit to finishing community fuck college then who the hell are you to tell someone else they are afraid of commitment?

Fellas, the next time some bitch says that phrase to you, just laugh in her fucking face and kick her the fuck off your roster.  Enough of putting up with their bullshit!

You’re now free to laugh in some cunt’s face

fake titters and flag

Posted in avoid marriage, marriage sucks, relationship | Tagged: , , , | 6 Comments »

Come Get YOUR Son!

Posted by Capt. No-Marriage on June 25, 2012

your son

This is your Captain speaking……welcome aboard fuckers!!!

So how many of you have heard that line “Come get “your” son”?  I’d bet most of us either know about this first hand or have seen it play out with a close friend or family member.  Here’s how the shit often plays out.

You’re an average guy and you’re just banging some chick just to pass the time until something better (thinner) comes along.  Then she gets knocked up and being the average (nice) guy you fall for that do-the-right-thing bullshit, this is of course after you try to convince her to have an abortion.  

But as I said before, this isn’t your dream girl, this is just some broad you’re banging until you finish college, get promoted or just decide to upgrade.  So you’re not really thrilled to be there in the first place but you hang in there for a bit, maybe even for a couple years or so. 

Then the moment comes when you just can’t take it anymore, you’re tired of looking at her big fat ass, you’re tired of being told what a piece of shit you are, you just tired of everything about that fucking cunt!  Young insane woman with straitjacket looking at camera close-up portrait

So you leave…..BUT……you still try to do right by the child.  However, this where Super Cunt really shows up.  She tries to use the kid to get you to spend time/money with her.  When she finally realizes her bullshit games aren’t working then she goes into revenge mode.  That’s when she starts telling the kid stuff like daddy doesn’t love you or daddy loves his new girlfriend more than you.  She’ll make up anything and everything to make her look like a martyr and you look like the devil’s asscrack. 

During this time she will let you know every chance she has that the kid is “Her son” and that in her feeble mind she’s the master of the universe.

This works great for her until the kid reaches his teenage years.  That’s when the shit hits the fan.  That’s when the kid’s mind is so fucked up from all the lies and bullshit she’s been pumping into his head starts to come back and bite her in big fat saggy ass.  This is when he becomes “too much to handle” and now she just wants to ship him off to you so that you can deal with the monster that she created.

It’s here that I have to give a shoutout to a buddy of mine going through this right now.  We’ll just use his nickname, Dick Trickle (yes he’s a NASCAR fan).  Our buddy Dick told his ex-piece-of-ass a firm HELL NO!  He said he isn’t a fucking janitor and he’s not about to come in and try to clean up her mess.  He told me that when the kid gets older and moves out he’ll make an attempt to contact.  If the kid chooses to listen then good, if he’s too messed up from his mother’s bullshit then oh fuck well, she got exactly what she wanted.  He said he got so fucking tired of her telling him to “man up” every time he refused one of her insane demands that now it was time for her to “woman up”

Now some people may not agree with how Dick is handling this, (I for fucksake agree with it) but considering that he is not the one created this mess it’s hard to blame him.  Especially when he tried to have regular contact early on.  Maybe if she would have followed the advice of my good friend Scarecrow and “Showed Dick some respect” she wouldn’t be in this predicament.

So let this be a lesson not just to the guys about knocking chicks up but also to the women out there who think that it’s ok to pump your kids’ heads full of bullshit about their father.  Even if the guy is the worst POS in the world, maybe you should look at yourself and figure out why you decided to have a child with someone like that.  Why don’t you explain to your kids why mommy loves to conceive with losers?  Truth hurts sweetheart.

You’re now free to drink alone….with nobody else.

Walker Black Label

Posted in Fathers, relationship, sex, Single mothers, women | Tagged: , , | 7 Comments »

Everything Happens For a Reason…Right???

Posted by Capt. No-Marriage on November 6, 2011


This is your Captain speaking…..welcome aboard fuckers!!

You guys send me come crazy ass links to stories, not to mention the crazy and even heartbreaking personal stories that yourself or a friend has gone through.  Be it a bitter divorce, insane women, child custody bullshit, there’s a lot of shit going on out there.  I think that we all would agree that the ones that hit us the hardest are the ones we witness ourselves, either personally or through a close friend.  Today I have one from a close friend who has agreed to allow me to share his story (he will of course remain anonymous so that the fuck crazy cunt can’t sue him!)johnny-walker-scotch

So let’s call my buddy Johnny, not to be confused with my other good friend Johnnie Walker, Johnny is separated from his wife and while going through the amazingly slow divorce process in our state we’ve been hanging out, drinking, banging broads, normal guy stuff.  Well he ended up meeting some chick that used to work with him.  The had worked together for about 6 years, but both were married at the time.  Johnny said that he always thought she was hot, but never pursued since they were both married at the time.

Pretty soon him and this gal were glued at the hip, but this was the happiest I’ve seen this fucker in almost 15 years!!!  So I said fuck it, she looked like a nice piece of ass, she actually seemed to liked his friends…yes even me.  After dating several months she was constantly telling him that nobody had ever treated her as good as he treated her.  Fuck, red flag number one, a woman who is used to being treated like shit. 

From this point Johnny’s story sounds like one we’ve all seen or heard.  She starts heaping all sorts of admiration on to him, telling him how great he is, how lucky she is to be with him.  This is a sharp contrast from his marriage where his spirit and wallet were slowly broken down over the years.  So I’m not shitting on Johnny for getting caught up in this siren’s call.  But a siren call it was.

casey-anthony-hotOne thing Johnny was smart about was he got a vasectomy a few years back so that his wife couldn’t have any more “accidents”. 

Here’s where this turns into a classic story about your typical American woman.  A couple of weeks ago, we were drinking beer and watching some Sunday Night Football.  His phone starts to explode with text messages from her, frantic messages about her fucking up and being so in love with Johnny.  Next thing we know, there’s a knock at the door and guess who it is?

She’s standing at the door, makeup smeared from crying, wearing a dress cut so low that if she breathed too quickly her tits would fly out and so short that the least bit of movement revealed a bit of ass cheek.  They went outside to talk and when Johnny came back inside…alone, this is what he told me.

One of her ex-boyfriends was in town and gotten a hold of her, through FaceBook of course, they had been chatting for a while.  Yes, this is one of the guys who had cheated on her, did drugs and roughed her up in the paslut girlfriendst.  He happened to be at a local bar and invited her for drinks.  So she went and put on the skimpiest dress she owned and met him.  Oh did I forget that she had been texting and calling Johnny all day telling him how in love she was with him?  Yep, judging by her story and her texts she was telling my buddy how great he was about an hour before she was riding another guy’s cock.

But that’s not all folks!!!!  Hells no!  This shit is about to go Maury Show!!! Now she has just found out that she’s pregnant.  So not only did she dress like a slut, she wasn’t on birth control, she not only decided to have sex with a druggie, she had unprotected sex with the druggie and didn’t even attempt the pullout method. 

Being the self-righteous bitch whore that she is, she now thinks that he should forgive her and is telling him how much she needs him during this time,  because she’s scared.  I told him it was good that he found this out relatively early, that while fun to hang around, she’s a nothing but a common slut. 

This pissed him off of course until I asked him, if she’s not a slut then who is?  If a woman can tell one guy that she is sooooo in love with him, then an hour later be riding raw on top of another guy…if that woman isn’t a slut than what is?

The thing that gets me is that she is actually trying to shame him!  She even said that if he can’t stay with her then he’s a coward.  What?  Coward?  How about fucking he’s a normal human being who doesn’t like being shit on?  To her he shouldn’t bring this up because she admitted she made…..a mistake.  NO CUNT, you made a series of decisions!

knocked up bitchHe let me listen to one of the 6,000,000 voicemail messages that she’s left since dumping her where this bitch actually said…and I shall quote: “I believe everything happens for a reason, god is testing me…”

Look I’m not even fucking religious but it pisses me off when people try to bring god into their fucked up decisions!  Although she is right about one thing, this did happen for a reason.  It happened because she made the decision to not be on any form of birth control, she made the decision to communicate with other guys (if they admit to one, put a zero on it to get the real number of guys she’s talking to), then she made the decision to bang this guy without even using a condom.  Yes honey, shit does happen for a reason and in this case the reason is that you are a fucking slut.  I can’t even call her a whore, at least a whore values herself enough to have a price. 

So Johnny is pretty tore up about this, he said he’s disappointed more than anything.  He thought he really knew her, a mistake most of us have made at some point.  We give the benefit of the doubt to those who have not yet earned it.  Hang in there Johnny, I’ve got a humidor full of cigars and a fridge full of PBR.  We’ll get you through this!

You’re now free to join us for Sunday Night Football and PBR!!


Posted in avoid marriage, Captain No Marriage, marriage sucks, relationship, sex, women | Tagged: , , | 7 Comments »

Bipolar? Not My Fucking Problem!

Posted by Capt. No-Marriage on August 3, 2011

Young insane woman with straitjacket looking at camera close-up portrait

This is your Captain speaking……..welcome aboard fuckers!!

Newsflash: Your mental condition, whatever it may be, is not my problem.  I am not giving you some kind of get out of jail card just because your mom fucked an abusive asshole and you to see some of bipolar-in-womenthe resulting action.

Guys, if she is having episodes of batshit crazy then that is nature’s way of telling you it’s time to get the fuck out!

Her mental problems are NOT yours.  You are not a bad person for not wanting to deal with a mentally ill person.  For one, they will drag you down in to their crazy fuck life. 

By the way, this includes women who act like a total cunt one week a month and then blame it on being hormonal.  That’s a sure red flag!!!pms warrior

Now guys, we’ve all been there back when we first started dating and didn’t have a lot of experience. We met some chick, looked good and shagged well!  But that’s not all!!!!!!!!!!

She’s unstable, but she constantly blames YOU!  Everything is your fault!  You don’t do this right, you don’t do that right, hell you can’t seem to do anything right!!!  What the hell happen to that hot cool chick you met just a few short months ago?  And when you’re young and inexperienced you might actually begin to wonder what’s wrong with you!  You might even begin to think you’re going fucking crazy!!!!!

But you’re not crazy, you’re just with a CRAZY bitch!!!

The last thing I want when I go on a date is to have to guess which fucking personality is going to show up.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if a woman mentions happy pills or if you spot head meds in her bathroom……………..RUN!!!  Run silent, run deep, just fucking RUN!!!

You’re now free to run a train on a day-shift stripper.


Posted in avoid marriage, Captain No Marriage, Marriage, marriage sucks, relationship, women | Tagged: , , , , | 3 Comments »

Crazy Comes in Many Forms

Posted by Capt. No-Marriage on June 23, 2011

mind games

This is your Captain speaking…………welcome aboard fuckers!

Some crazy bitches are easy to spot.  They go out of their way to let the whole world know that they’re fucked up.  books and chick

But then you have the ones who are just as bat fuck shit crazy, but just do a better job at holding it together.  In fact, some of these bitches will make you think you are the crazy one, but that’s just one of their tricks.

Just a few of the things that these bitches do is they take whatever you say and completely twist it around.  Ever seen a news conference where the reporter asks the politician one question and the guy answers a totally different question?  That’s what happens here you say one thing and she accuses you of saying something COMPLETELY fuck different.

Which that leads into another tactic where they are always accusing you of saying or doing something to hurt them.  Again here you might say one thing then she gets all bent out of shape because even though you didn’t say X, she tells you that you made her feeeeeeeel that way.

upsThey always love to talk about their feelings as if they are fact, all the while ignoring your feelings.  Her feelings rule every moment of her day, changing direction like a fart in a hurricane.

fat_ass_passThese crazy hags also get off on picking out all of your flaws.  They beat you over the head about shit that you did in the past or over some habit you have that they don’t approve of.  Now while they’re picking you apart not fucking say a word about her faults.  Hell fuck no!  You’re supposed to overlook her mountain of faults.  You’re supposed to look past her 3 kids with a loser or the fact that she spends money like Charlie Sheen goes through coke and porn stars. 

If you spot any of these telltale signs then it is time to get the fuck out of Dodge!  I don’t care how good the pussy is, how big her tit are, or how well she sucks cock.  There are millions /more out there with better pussy, firmer tits and will suck even more cock.  Move on to the next one.  Cut your losses before you knock the crazy bitch up!

You’re now free to do lines with Charlie Sheen.


Posted in avoid marriage, Captain No Marriage, marriage sucks, relationship, women | Tagged: , , , , , | 1 Comment »


Posted by Capt. No-Marriage on May 8, 2011


This is your Captain speaking…………welcome aboard fuckers.fuko

My friends, your Captain has a very special announcement.  It’s been a minute since I’ve posted and I’m sure most of you thought I was out fucking various foreign women and telling them that the path to citizenship involved swallowing my load.

Well, you’re only half right.  Your Captain has been setting up his his new lakefront bachelor pad.  Yes fuckers, your Captain has climbed aboard the Freedom Train. 

While for obvious reasons I will not discuss any alleged legal proceedings, you can rest assured that you will be getting my usual drunken rage commentary on single life.

Yes fuckers, I am now free to bang about the cabin.


Posted in avoid marriage, Captain No Marriage, Marriage, marriage sucks, relationship | Tagged: , , , | 7 Comments »

Can’t Find A Good Man?

Posted by Capt. No-Marriage on March 1, 2011

                            the fantastic whore

This is your Captain speaking…………..welcome aboard fuckers!

Women, especially single mothers, love to stand on their tuna-stained soapbox and tell everyone how there just aren’t any good men left.  But do they ever ask why? Maybe this offers a clue?ghetto-white-chicks

Ahhhh yes, single motherhood in action.  Ladies, the reason there are less “real men” around is because single mothers are raising kids like that.  You are the reason, yes you ya dumb deadbeat riding skank! 

It’s the economy stupid… wait…..wrong post…….it’s your vagina stupid!!  (that’s the ticket!)

You see when you decide to that you don’t need a man and that you can do it all “on your own” (on your meaning with a man’s money, state assistance or both) this is what you get. 

I could go on explaining this but fuck that, my beer is getting warm and every guy reading this knows exactly what the fuck I’m talking about.  Even my two female readers understand.  So I’m out, let these bitches whine about the lack of men, they need to look in the goddamn mirror, then they need to smash their face into it, then they need to suck my cock……wait…..suck my cock then smash your face.  Yeah, that’ll work.

You’re now free to do coke off a hookers ass, just don’t do it at the end of her shift.


Posted in Marriage, relationship, Single mothers, women | Tagged: , , , , , , , | 4 Comments »

Blast From the Fucking Past

Posted by Capt. No-Marriage on February 23, 2011


Greetings fuckers.  Believe it or not, there was a time when I only had two readers.  Now that number had doubled!  So I would like to take this chance to spotlight some older shit I wrote back in the day. 

In other words, I’m too drunk……no wait….no such thing……..I’m to lazy tonight to write a new post.  So I’m going green fuckers!

Here’s a CNM classic entitled:  “Just Say No to Women on Medication”

This is your Captain speaking……..

If a woman you are dealing with is on, or has ever been on any type of antidepressant medication, you need to run. Run Forrest, run as fast as you can. This a red flag. Now this is something that they can mask in the short term, especially since most mental bitches are great in bed, it distracts you from her mental instability.

Beware if they try to rationalize it by telling you that “all women are crazy” or some similar line. There’s a reason they’re on meds, you do not want to stick around long enough to find out why. For one, it will always be your fault, hell I even had one bitch blame me for a ticket that she got. Typical spoiled American bitch, blames everyone else for her problems except her. This is one of many examples why you should avoid bitches on meds. Last thing you want is some manic depressive bitch going between personalities like a fucking light switch. Talk about being dragged down by someone! If you have to walk on egg shells or wait and see which personality shows up to dinner, then you need to run like fucking hell away from that bitch.

Remember, their mental illness is their issue, not yours, its not your job to understand or help the dumb broad. Men need to stop accepting women’s bullshit and yes that includes so called mental illness. Unless you want a life filled with drama, avoid these backstabbing bitches like the fucking plague that they are. How are you going to get ahead and move forward with your life when you are carrying her lead weight ass around? You won’t, thats because these bitches are also insanely jealous, not just of every other woman, but of ANYTHING that takes away time from her stuck up, entitled, overweight ass.

Its about standards guys, why settle for some over dramatic bitch on meds when you can have a hotter normal chick. Its not like you need to marry any of them, but the bitches on meds aren’t even worth the sex. Take charge guys, don’t keep putting up with women’s bad behavior.

You are now free to move about my nutsack.



Posted in relationship, women | Tagged: , , , | 4 Comments »

Happy Marc Rudov Day!

Posted by Capt. No-Marriage on February 14, 2011

What’s up fuckers, I found this over at ScareCrow’s site. An awesome vid about feminism.  Well worth the time to check out and while you’re at it check out Marc’s site.  I’ve been listening to the radio archive section where you can hear some recent interviews about NO-mance Day, or as it should be called……Marc Rudov Day!

As ScareCrow would say…”SHOW DICK SOME RESPECT!”

The Story of Feminism–as told by WOMEN from maxtll on Vimeo.

Posted in money, relationship, sex, women | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

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