Captain No-Marriage Blog

Marriage is a kick in the nuts.

Archive for the ‘sex’ Category

Just saying…

Posted by Capt. No-Marriage on November 10, 2013


curvy and fat

Posted in sex, women's studies | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments »

Playboy Playmates are no Exception

Posted by Capt. No-Marriage on June 26, 2012


90s playboy cover

This is your Captain speaking……..welcome aboard fuckers!

So the net and entertainment shows are a buzz about Jenny Mccarthy posing for play boy at just a few months shy of being 40.  So fucking what?  For one Playboy is notorious for their photoshopping and airbrushing skills.  We all know that when it comes to Playboy what we see is not what we get. 

And to all the old hags who look at Jenny and think that they too can still be Playboy hot at 40…….you dumb broads need to wake the fuck up.  Let’s do a quick comparison here. 

First Jenny back around 1993 when she was hot……

jenny mccarthy when she was hot

Now let’s look at over the hill Jenny.

jenny mccarthy now

Pretty clear isn’t it?  Yes even if I look at a more “flattering” picture of her one thing is clear……women do NOT get hotter as they age.  That’s why they try to rope you into marriage as soon as fucking possible with what little bit of looks they do have in their 20s.  They know that shit is short lived!

Although they don’t like to admit that they know it.  This is obviously a last ditch ego boost for Ms Mccarthy as the dives off the cliff.  Now I’m not saying that 40yr old Jenny isn’t worth a quick bone, but that’s all it’d be worth.  And the fact is she is in the top 1% of American women as far as looks, that’s the sad fucking part.  This is our fucking best and we still look like horse jizz next to the other countries.

So guys, no matter how hot your little girlfriend is now, take a good look, hell you better take lots of pictures too because as each day passes, so does her beauty.  That’s why she’s trying to lock you in with marriage and/or fucking rugrats.  Don’t fall for this smoke and mirrors donkey-show these broads are putting on.

The best thing guys can do with women is to treat them the same way Seal Team 6 treated Osama Bin Laden.  Go in under the cover of darkness, hit the target fast and hard, then fade off into the night sky. 

Ignore all the feel good bullshit out there, women do not improve with age.  Yes I know there are some porkers who don’t get off their ass and lose the weight until their 30s but if they hadn’t been so fucking lazy and lost the weight early on (or never gained it) then they would have been hotter when they were younger.  All women are hotter at 20 than at 40, yes they can still  be fuckable, but some of us drink a lot and therefore fuckable is a moving target.

You’re now free to hop into your hot tub time machine and go back and fuck Jenny Mccarthy when she was smoking hot. 

tits and hot tubs

Posted in Captain No Marriage, sex, Single mothers, women | Tagged: , , | 12 Comments »

Come Get YOUR Son!

Posted by Capt. No-Marriage on June 25, 2012


your son

This is your Captain speaking……welcome aboard fuckers!!!

So how many of you have heard that line “Come get “your” son”?  I’d bet most of us either know about this first hand or have seen it play out with a close friend or family member.  Here’s how the shit often plays out.

You’re an average guy and you’re just banging some chick just to pass the time until something better (thinner) comes along.  Then she gets knocked up and being the average (nice) guy you fall for that do-the-right-thing bullshit, this is of course after you try to convince her to have an abortion.  

But as I said before, this isn’t your dream girl, this is just some broad you’re banging until you finish college, get promoted or just decide to upgrade.  So you’re not really thrilled to be there in the first place but you hang in there for a bit, maybe even for a couple years or so. 

Then the moment comes when you just can’t take it anymore, you’re tired of looking at her big fat ass, you’re tired of being told what a piece of shit you are, you just tired of everything about that fucking cunt!  Young insane woman with straitjacket looking at camera close-up portrait

So you leave…..BUT……you still try to do right by the child.  However, this where Super Cunt really shows up.  She tries to use the kid to get you to spend time/money with her.  When she finally realizes her bullshit games aren’t working then she goes into revenge mode.  That’s when she starts telling the kid stuff like daddy doesn’t love you or daddy loves his new girlfriend more than you.  She’ll make up anything and everything to make her look like a martyr and you look like the devil’s asscrack. 

During this time she will let you know every chance she has that the kid is “Her son” and that in her feeble mind she’s the master of the universe.

This works great for her until the kid reaches his teenage years.  That’s when the shit hits the fan.  That’s when the kid’s mind is so fucked up from all the lies and bullshit she’s been pumping into his head starts to come back and bite her in big fat saggy ass.  This is when he becomes “too much to handle” and now she just wants to ship him off to you so that you can deal with the monster that she created.

It’s here that I have to give a shoutout to a buddy of mine going through this right now.  We’ll just use his nickname, Dick Trickle (yes he’s a NASCAR fan).  Our buddy Dick told his ex-piece-of-ass a firm HELL NO!  He said he isn’t a fucking janitor and he’s not about to come in and try to clean up her mess.  He told me that when the kid gets older and moves out he’ll make an attempt to contact.  If the kid chooses to listen then good, if he’s too messed up from his mother’s bullshit then oh fuck well, she got exactly what she wanted.  He said he got so fucking tired of her telling him to “man up” every time he refused one of her insane demands that now it was time for her to “woman up”

Now some people may not agree with how Dick is handling this, (I for fucksake agree with it) but considering that he is not the one created this mess it’s hard to blame him.  Especially when he tried to have regular contact early on.  Maybe if she would have followed the advice of my good friend Scarecrow and “Showed Dick some respect” she wouldn’t be in this predicament.

So let this be a lesson not just to the guys about knocking chicks up but also to the women out there who think that it’s ok to pump your kids’ heads full of bullshit about their father.  Even if the guy is the worst POS in the world, maybe you should look at yourself and figure out why you decided to have a child with someone like that.  Why don’t you explain to your kids why mommy loves to conceive with losers?  Truth hurts sweetheart.

You’re now free to drink alone….with nobody else.

Walker Black Label

Posted in Fathers, relationship, sex, Single mothers, women | Tagged: , , | 7 Comments »

Single Mothers

Posted by Capt. No-Marriage on February 13, 2012


Single mother

Posted in avoid marriage, marriage sucks, money, sex, Single mothers, women | Tagged: , , | Leave a Comment »

This One’s For Da Ladies….

Posted by Capt. No-Marriage on November 28, 2011


ASSume da position

This is your Captain speaking……welcome aboard you fucking fuck fuckers!!!

So over the weekend I ate at one of the most entertaining lunch venues around, a place where a guy can always look and laugh at the final resting place of most Ameriskanks, I’m talking about Rubychillifridaygardenlobsterhorn.  There you will always find some shrill and her friend at the bar, way past their prime complaining about men.  So I’ve decided to help them out and explain some shit to them.

Their issue?  Men only want one thing from them.  Sex.sagging old tits

Our subjects were in their late 30s or early 40s, you could tell that they used to be hot, but time and high mileage had clearly taken it’s toll.  And these aren’t the older women you see in the gym that actually have a decent body, oh no these two birds were just trying to get by with stuffing their sagging tits into a pushup bra.  PBR wouldn’t even do the trick with these broads, you’d need something stronger like Colt 45 or Steel Reserve. 

Ladies, the reason guys only want sex from you is because that is all you have to offer.  This goes for women of any age.  Women who have their shit together emotionally, physically and financially don’t have this complaint. 

This reminded me of a high school classmate that I ran into a while back, she made the comment that all that hits on her are either really old guys or really young guys.  Well sweetie, successful guys don’t have to settle for a single mom with 3 kids from 2 different guys.  Mystery solved, call me fucking Shercock Holmes.

Now do most guys want sex, fucking duh!!!!!  However a lot of guys would love to find that one really great chick like the one I mentioned above, the mythical woman who actually has her shit together.  Although you’d probably have more luck finding a golden unicorn and fucking it in the ass, anywhore…until we find either her or the unicorn we’re just going to keep using you for the only purpose you could possibly serve…..a hole.

You’re now free to fuck a unicorn in the ass.

unicorn hoe

Posted in avoid marriage, boobs, marriage sucks, sex, Single mothers, women | Tagged: , , | 3 Comments »

Shit That’s Pissing Me Off Today…

Posted by Capt. No-Marriage on November 15, 2011


dumb-pregnant-girl

What’s up fuckers! 

You know what’s really pissing me off right now?  Women who EXPECT other people, like you and I, to help foot the bill for their kids that they can’t afford!

While eating lunch at an unnamed chain restaurant, let’s call it Rubychillifridaygardenlobsterhorn and in the booth behind me were these two bitches in their late 20s, the one was crying her eyes out about not knowing what to do now that she’s pregnant.

Something must be in the fucking water because when I turn on the local news there’s always a story asking people to help some poor single mother with 3 kids from 5 different guys.  Yes, we must help her save her house or feed those crumbcrunchers.  The shit’s everywhere!!  Anyways…back to my fuck story.

Apparently this stupid cunt doesn’t even have a job with health insurance, so she was telling her friend that she was soooooo worried about being denied Medicaid.  She told her cunt friend that “I need help, I can’t do this alone.”  Hmm, maybe you should have found a man, but that’s too fucking old school for you isn’t?

You should have thought about that before dumbass.  There are just too many types of birth control out there, not to mention the morning after pill for me to buy this line of shit.  She wanted a baby, she didn’t give two shits worth of thought as to how she’d actually raise the kid or the quality of life that child would have.

If I went around saying fellow taxpayers should fund my dream of my own private cruise ship filled with alcohol and staffed with chefs and horny Brazilian women and 2 midgets people would tell me how stupid I was.  They’d tell me to get a job and fund my own fucking fantasy.

Well ladies, that’s what you should fucking do.  Nobody owes you a dime, if you want something then do what men do…..plan and work for it.

Peace out fuckers, I’ll see you on the cruise ship!

brazilian-butt

Posted in Captain No Marriage, money, sex, Single mothers, women | Tagged: | 1 Comment »

Everything Happens For a Reason…Right???

Posted by Capt. No-Marriage on November 6, 2011


Divine_Intervention_by_dokodemo_nl

This is your Captain speaking…..welcome aboard fuckers!!

You guys send me come crazy ass links to stories, not to mention the crazy and even heartbreaking personal stories that yourself or a friend has gone through.  Be it a bitter divorce, insane women, child custody bullshit, there’s a lot of shit going on out there.  I think that we all would agree that the ones that hit us the hardest are the ones we witness ourselves, either personally or through a close friend.  Today I have one from a close friend who has agreed to allow me to share his story (he will of course remain anonymous so that the fuck crazy cunt can’t sue him!)johnny-walker-scotch

So let’s call my buddy Johnny, not to be confused with my other good friend Johnnie Walker, Johnny is separated from his wife and while going through the amazingly slow divorce process in our state we’ve been hanging out, drinking, banging broads, normal guy stuff.  Well he ended up meeting some chick that used to work with him.  The had worked together for about 6 years, but both were married at the time.  Johnny said that he always thought she was hot, but never pursued since they were both married at the time.

Pretty soon him and this gal were glued at the hip, but this was the happiest I’ve seen this fucker in almost 15 years!!!  So I said fuck it, she looked like a nice piece of ass, she actually seemed to liked his friends…yes even me.  After dating several months she was constantly telling him that nobody had ever treated her as good as he treated her.  Fuck, red flag number one, a woman who is used to being treated like shit. 

From this point Johnny’s story sounds like one we’ve all seen or heard.  She starts heaping all sorts of admiration on to him, telling him how great he is, how lucky she is to be with him.  This is a sharp contrast from his marriage where his spirit and wallet were slowly broken down over the years.  So I’m not shitting on Johnny for getting caught up in this siren’s call.  But a siren call it was.

casey-anthony-hotOne thing Johnny was smart about was he got a vasectomy a few years back so that his wife couldn’t have any more “accidents”. 

Here’s where this turns into a classic story about your typical American woman.  A couple of weeks ago, we were drinking beer and watching some Sunday Night Football.  His phone starts to explode with text messages from her, frantic messages about her fucking up and being so in love with Johnny.  Next thing we know, there’s a knock at the door and guess who it is?

She’s standing at the door, makeup smeared from crying, wearing a dress cut so low that if she breathed too quickly her tits would fly out and so short that the least bit of movement revealed a bit of ass cheek.  They went outside to talk and when Johnny came back inside…alone, this is what he told me.

One of her ex-boyfriends was in town and gotten a hold of her, through FaceBook of course, they had been chatting for a while.  Yes, this is one of the guys who had cheated on her, did drugs and roughed her up in the paslut girlfriendst.  He happened to be at a local bar and invited her for drinks.  So she went and put on the skimpiest dress she owned and met him.  Oh did I forget that she had been texting and calling Johnny all day telling him how in love she was with him?  Yep, judging by her story and her texts she was telling my buddy how great he was about an hour before she was riding another guy’s cock.

But that’s not all folks!!!!  Hells no!  This shit is about to go Maury Show!!! Now she has just found out that she’s pregnant.  So not only did she dress like a slut, she wasn’t on birth control, she not only decided to have sex with a druggie, she had unprotected sex with the druggie and didn’t even attempt the pullout method. 

Being the self-righteous bitch whore that she is, she now thinks that he should forgive her and is telling him how much she needs him during this time,  because she’s scared.  I told him it was good that he found this out relatively early, that while fun to hang around, she’s a nothing but a common slut. 

This pissed him off of course until I asked him, if she’s not a slut then who is?  If a woman can tell one guy that she is sooooo in love with him, then an hour later be riding raw on top of another guy…if that woman isn’t a slut than what is?

The thing that gets me is that she is actually trying to shame him!  She even said that if he can’t stay with her then he’s a coward.  What?  Coward?  How about fucking he’s a normal human being who doesn’t like being shit on?  To her he shouldn’t bring this up because she admitted she made…..a mistake.  NO CUNT, you made a series of decisions!

knocked up bitchHe let me listen to one of the 6,000,000 voicemail messages that she’s left since dumping her where this bitch actually said…and I shall quote: “I believe everything happens for a reason, god is testing me…”

Look I’m not even fucking religious but it pisses me off when people try to bring god into their fucked up decisions!  Although she is right about one thing, this did happen for a reason.  It happened because she made the decision to not be on any form of birth control, she made the decision to communicate with other guys (if they admit to one, put a zero on it to get the real number of guys she’s talking to), then she made the decision to bang this guy without even using a condom.  Yes honey, shit does happen for a reason and in this case the reason is that you are a fucking slut.  I can’t even call her a whore, at least a whore values herself enough to have a price. 

So Johnny is pretty tore up about this, he said he’s disappointed more than anything.  He thought he really knew her, a mistake most of us have made at some point.  We give the benefit of the doubt to those who have not yet earned it.  Hang in there Johnny, I’ve got a humidor full of cigars and a fridge full of PBR.  We’ll get you through this!

You’re now free to join us for Sunday Night Football and PBR!!

SelenaSpice07KnockoutShorts

Posted in avoid marriage, Captain No Marriage, marriage sucks, relationship, sex, women | Tagged: , , | 7 Comments »

Marriage Sucks! Just Fuck Foreign Women……like Vida Guerra!

Posted by Capt. No-Marriage on April 14, 2011


vida_guerra_2

 

vida_guerra_4

vida_guerra_5

vida_guerra_7

vida-guerra-thong-57

vidaguerrabikini09

 

Posted in avoid marriage, Captain No Marriage, Marriage, marriage sucks, sex, women | 3 Comments »

Classic Truth

Posted by Capt. No-Marriage on April 3, 2011


This picture has been around the net for a while, but dammit it’s the FUCKING TRUTH ladies!!!

nice ass like this

Just sayin!!!

 

Posted in avoid marriage, marriage sucks, sex, women | Tagged: , , , , | 4 Comments »

Happy Marc Rudov Day!

Posted by Capt. No-Marriage on February 14, 2011


What’s up fuckers, I found this over at ScareCrow’s site. An awesome vid about feminism.  Well worth the time to check out and while you’re at it check out Marc’s site.  I’ve been listening to the radio archive section where you can hear some recent interviews about NO-mance Day, or as it should be called……Marc Rudov Day!


As ScareCrow would say…”SHOW DICK SOME RESPECT!”

The Story of Feminism–as told by WOMEN from maxtll on Vimeo.


Posted in money, relationship, sex, women | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

 
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