Captain No-Marriage Blog

Marriage is a kick in the nuts.

Posts Tagged ‘ass’

Game Over Cunt

Posted by Capt. No-Marriage on January 22, 2015


beer and bitches

This is your Captain speaking……welcome aboard fuckers!!!!

It’s been a fucking while, I’m drinking some Hurricane Malt Liquor so get ready for some fucked up grammar, misspellings, and all kinds of other editing fuck ups!

So a buddy of mine and I are sitting out back on my deck drinking some random IPAs and smoking cigars.  He starts to tell me about this worn out fucking cunt who has the hots for him.

She’s married, weighs in around 250 on a good day, two kids from some guy who couldn’t even keep a job at Home Fuck Depot, and just turned 30.  Her and my buddy went to high school together. She was the ugly chick who had the slamming body but like many women she thought she was hotter than she really was.

So now after 12 years of being with a loser and bulking up, she tells my friend that she’s going to leave the loser and she’s looking forward to “hanging out” with him. 

Luckily she doesn’t work with us, so no HR issues here.  She messaged him on FaceFuckBook.  Basically this chick has the attitude that all her fuck ups should be ignored by my friend.  That he should turn back the hands of time to when they were in school and her vag hadn’t been stretched out by child birth stretch marksand years of abuse.

The problem is this woman’s attitude is actually very common.  Women with multiple kids, often from multiple guys, want the rest of us to give her a do-over.  She wants us to pretend that when we look at her little womb turds that we don’t see the face of a guy who got to fuck her back when she was actually fuckable.  She wants us to pretend that she’s matured and that’s why she’s ready to settle down, not the truth which is she’s being carried off the field like Brett Farve. 

Luckily my friend and I both laugh at her dumb ass, but this chick honestly thinks that when she leaves the loser that she’ll be able to run out and get the man of her dreams. She thinks she’ll be hooking up with that doctor or lawyer she’s always wanted.

Fucking cunts today have this attitude that they can do what they want when they have the power (in their early 20s) and that when their looks fade then suddenly the rules should change and we should overlook all their fuckery.  We should be “real” men and take in them and their bastard fuck children.

Let me be clear ladies……GO FUCK YOURSELVES!

You’re now free to piss in a single mother’s face.

volleyball ass

Posted in women's studies | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments »

Revenge of the Manbeast!!!

Posted by Capt. No-Marriage on December 7, 2014


bigfoot

This is your Captain speaking………welcome aboard fuckers!!!

So while nobody bats a thousand, the site Business Insider usually does a decent job with tech and business news, but the other day I saw this story come across my newsfeed.  It’s a story about how some broad was teased for being ugly back when she was 12 and now 10 years later one of the guys who used to bully her asked her out and she finally was able to get her “revenge”.  What made it even worse was the comment above was the link said that this “took guts”. 

First off, how this ended up on a business website is fucking beyond me and it was written by a guy, go figure.  To quickly address the content of the article, she set up a date with the guy then stood him up by giving the waiter a note to deliver to the guy.  All the note did was let the guy know he dodged the fucking crazy train!  On top of that, the article included the guy’s response, which unlike her letter, was mature and thought out.

I don’t get why this is even a fucking story. Shit like this happens to pretty much every guy who makes something of himself.  Story goes like this…..Young guy can’t get attractive women his own age to even acknowledge he’s alive then fast forward 15 or 20 years and the tables are turned.  Women his age are falling over themselves to get his attention.  Tom Leykis has been talking about this shit for years and we’ve all lived it. Where’s our story?

The good news for us is we don’t need no stinking story, we’re living the good live while bitches our age are living la vida government assistance with their multiple cunt turds from multiple losers.  That’s what I call revenge, laughing all the way to the bank.

You’re now free to live the good life.

cheerleader NOT from america

 

 

Posted in avoid marriage, marriage sucks, women's studies | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments »

Just saying…

Posted by Capt. No-Marriage on November 10, 2013


curvy and fat

Posted in sex, women's studies | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments »

Classic Truth

Posted by Capt. No-Marriage on April 3, 2011


This picture has been around the net for a while, but dammit it’s the FUCKING TRUTH ladies!!!

nice ass like this

Just sayin!!!

 

Posted in avoid marriage, marriage sucks, sex, women | Tagged: , , , , | 4 Comments »

Trends

Posted by Capt. No-Marriage on February 10, 2011


This is your Captain speaking…………..welcome aboard fuckers!!!

Lots of divorce stories in the news this week.  I can’t help to notice a trend in some of the celebrity divorces coming about. 

Take Charlie Sheen for example, married in 2008, now has to pay $55hospital nursery,000 a month, yes a fucking MONTH!!!….for child support.  Ashlee Simpson also filed for divorce after her 3 year marriage but not before she found time to shit out a kid also.  

Now this not just a celebrity deal, I see it all the time.  Woman goes from being perfect girlfriend to never happy bitch wife and is knocked up, by accident of course within the first year of the marriage.  Then before the kid even is barely out of diapers the couple some how “grows apart”. 

A lot of times if the guy is well off, she’ll crank out two or three kids in rapid succession, be a stay at home mom and secure both a healthy alimony and child support payment from the poor sucker who married her ever expanding ass.

don't want kidsTom Leykis used to tell his listeners to wait until you’ve been married 5 years before you have kids.  That is of course if you were just determined to be married and to raise a family, children were the only reason he’d ever be ok with marriage however he would still point out that while it was good for the child it was still not good for the man.  I completely agree.

I also agree with waiting 5 years.  Just think of all the relationships that were in the shitter by year 3 or 4!!  I know lots of guys whose wives conveniently got knocked up right before they decided they wanted a divorce.  Leaving the guy stuck paying an 18 year annuity, tax free for her!!

Gentlemen, your sperm are like blank checks or a debit card with the pin written on the back.  Actually worse because if a thief steals your debit card he can only get what’s in there today.  If a woman gets a hold of your sperm she gets her claws into what you have for the next two decades!!!!

You’re now free to blow a load in her eye.

 

nice beach ass

 

Posted in Marriage, money, women | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments »

2011

Posted by Capt. No-Marriage on January 2, 2011


This is your Captain speaking……..welcome aboard fuckers!

happy-new-year

Instead of me rambling on about what I have planned for the New Year, I’d like to take the time to share what my New Year hopes and wishes are for you fuckers, because I’m that kind of guy.

  1. I hope that crazy bitch that drunk dials you but doesn’t put out loses your number.
  2. I hope that throughout the course of 2011 that you do not meet a single crazy ass bipolar bitch. (yes I know that one is a stretch)
  3. I hope someone drops off a case of whiskey at your front door and runs.
  4. I hope the price of a lap dance drops.  lap dance
  5. I hope the legalize prostitution…….ok it’s legal now, they call it marriage, but I mean the fun kind of prostitution where she actually leaves after sex.
  6. I hope Sarah Palin gives up on politics and does porn. (that’s not a political statement, I just want to see her get DP’ed)
  7. I hope that bitch you’re paying alimony to either gets remarried or falls off a cliff.
  8. I hope Maury looks at you and says “You are NOT the father!”   omfg_you_are_not_the_father
  9. I hope some drunk chick you’ve never met gives you a blow job then disappears from your life.
  10. And last but not least, I hope you get a chance to fuck a feminist up the ass and make her like it.

You are now free to have a Happy Fucking New Year!

Posted in women | Tagged: , , , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

Our Friend Sally

Posted by Capt. No-Marriage on December 3, 2010


This is your Captain speaking…………..welcome aboard fuckers!

As much as we love to rant and rave about how guys need to avoid single mothers, I know that’s often easier said than done for some guys.  Especially if you’re an younger guy who’s just starting out, doesn’t have his career going and isn’t making very much money.

It’s not uncommon to work with some single moms nowadays, so I’m sure some of you have gotten to know a few of these women.  While a lot of them remind you of what you read on this and other blogs, there’s always that one isn’t there?  The one that doesn’t seem like a complete bitch, the one who made a mistake when she was 16 and is now trying to get her life together.

Let’s call our single mom “Sally”.  Now Sally seems pretty cool, she takes good care of herself physically, she’s easy to talk to, hell we might even consider Sally a friend.  You tell yourself that she doesn’t fit into what we talk about here, she’s the exception to the rule!

                       hot mom

I work with a Sally.  She isn’t a feminist, in fact the way she talks about men it’s as if she’s from another country!  She’s fun to have around, attractive, she admits HER mistakes, it’s fucking crazy!!!! So some of you guys might say why not pull the trigger?

For the sake of argument, let’s say that Sally doesn’t change and that she is a perfect as she seems…………………you still have other issues to deal with.

  1. The kids’ father or fathers you’ll have to deal with FOR FUCKING EVER!!!!
  2. If you try to live with Sally the kids will probably resent you because you are not dad and they’ll work against you at every turn.
  3. If you and Sally break up but you’ve established a “bond” with her little rugrats then it’s possible you could be liable for child support for bastard children that aren’t even yours!
  4. Sex will revolve around when she can either get a baby sitter or when the kids are asleep (so you can have quiet sex then, what fun)
  5. If you move in or marry her then your vacations won’t be anyplace you actually want to go like Europe or some island resort, oh hell no, your fucking ass will be sweating your tits off at Disney in 90 degree heat in the summer.
  6. Like fine dining?  Not with two kids in tow, better get used to the playland at McDonald’s!
  7. Money, from extra food to electricity to little league, you will be covering the expenses for another guy’s kids, even if he does pay child support.  YOU will be footing the bill.
  8. And let’s not forget what will happen if she has an “accident” and forgets to take her pill for 2 months.  You know she’s not getting an abortion so you get to join her list of losers paying her money every month.  Good job Ace.

Gentlemen, I know Sally is a good person, but she is not a good choice.

You’re now free to piss in the road.

Posted in relationship, sex, women | Tagged: , , , , , , , | 2 Comments »

I Want More Out of Life

Posted by Capt. No-Marriage on October 27, 2010


This is your Captain speaking…………welcome aboard fuckers!

I want a good life, that’s what I hear a lot from women who have spent their youth banging losers.  Funny how they weren’t looking for anything while some dope smoking idiot was dumping load after load into her as she kept shitting out kids.  Now that reality is beginning to set in and kick these bitches asses………now they want Poindexter from the IT department to step in and fill the financial void.

single mother 5

Single mothers wanting to start a “new” life, of course it’s only new if you don’t count all the fucking baggage they’re carrying around with them.  They want the new guy to pick up the tab for the loser who banged her back when she was at her hottest.  Now that she’s giving you the left overs, you also have to pay.  Awesome deal huh!

What’s crazy is these women who have spend most of their lives fucking losers suddenly have this incredible sense of entitlement!  They demand shit out of Poindexter that their old loser of a sperm donor wouldn’t even consider doing.  Now that they’re all worn the fuck out, now they want to have something meaningful.

I know it’s tempting sometimes guys.  Sometimes these women actually look good!  Just don’t forget it’s the ole bait n switch tactic.  Once she gets you locked in, here comes the pounds and there goes the long hair.  You can forget about good sex!  Blowjobs?  Not on your life!

Of course these are some of the same women who lament about not being able to find a good guy.  Bitch maybe the fact you have 3 or 4 kids is a fucking factor!!!  Do you really think another guy wants to jump in and start paying?  Yes everyone can make one mistake but when you let yourself get knocked up by a loser repeatedly, FUCK YOU!

You’re now free to blow a load in some cunt’s hair.

 

Posted in relationship, women | Tagged: , , , , , , | 4 Comments »

Have You Heard???

Posted by Capt. No-Marriage on September 9, 2010


This is your Captain speaking…………….welcome aboard fuckers!!!

Gentlemen what have you heard from your friends lately?  My friends and I have been talking about the start of the NFL season, the 80s style shoot em up movie “The Expendables”, and other important stuff like beer and other fine spirits.

anheuser busch beer

Notice how when something kicks ass, everybody talks about it?  Whether it’s new brew your buddy just discovered, the latest cool gadget, or that finely put together porn movie, it doesn’t matter; if it’s cool you’re going to hear about it!!

So what do you hear about marriage?????

                                                        ban-marriage

That’s right, you hear that it fucking sucks ass!!  Have at any point in your life has one of your friends called you up or come to your house screaming about how awesome marriage is?  Know any guys jumping up and down like Tom Cruise on Oprah’s couch yelling about how much marriage rocks?  Do your married buddies talk about how the sex just gets better every time or how she can’t stop swallowing his load or that his wife is in the best shape of her life after they said “I do”.

No, you don’t do you?  In fact you hear the opposite.  They complain about the lack of sex, or that they have to buy it in the form of shopping or dinners.  You hear stories about how she completely let herself go as soon as she had him locked in.  They describe their wife as battle-ax, the warden, ball-n-chain, buzzkill, and as one of my friends called his wife…..the virgin Mary.

                                                                                                                         marriage-sex

Does marriage sound like a good idea fellas?  Are you one of those guys who thinks that they are different?  That your girl is different, that you and you alone picked the right one?  If that’s the case then you need to play lotto, for one your odds are a lot better.

Marriage is shit guys, trust me.  If it kicked ass then those of us who fucked up and made that mistake would be telling you how shit-balls awesome it was.  But we’re not!!!!  Because it’s a bad decision for men, period.

You’re now free to grab a beer and hit the emergency exit.

     

 

Posted in Marriage, relationship, sex | Tagged: , , , , , , , | 1 Comment »

Alimony: A Lottery

Posted by Capt. No-Marriage on September 4, 2010


Posted in Marriage, money | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments »

 
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