Captain No-Marriage Blog

Marriage is a kick in the nuts.

Posts Tagged ‘broads’

You Know What Grinds My Fucking Gears???!!!

Posted by Capt. No-Marriage on June 8, 2015


This is your Captain speaking….welcome aboard fuckers!

I’m pissed, not it’s not about the latest police gone wild story on the news or about the latest nutjob running for president. It’s about how I’m sick and fucking tired of being told what I should find attractive in the opposite sex.

First we had that chick who was down with the down calling herself a fashion model and proclaimed to be changing the face of beauty.

down with downs

Next it was all the publicity about Hillary Clinton’s stunt double, Caitlyn Jenner, and how she’s soooooooo beautiful and soooooooo brave.

caitlyn_jenner

And if that wasn’t fuck all enough, now we have some broad weighing in at 260+lbs calling herself a super model and proclaiming that “black men love me”. 

moby dick

That is not fucking “beauty”, I’ve NEVER been drunk enough to consider any of the above three beautiful and that says a lot because I’ve spent a lot of time fucked up, so I’ve done my research there!!!!

I could careless what they do, knock yourself out ladies, but don’t expect me and other regular guys like me to consider you fap material.  Don’t expect to find your name on a top 10 list of broads every guy wants to bang.

And spoiler alert for the fattie, it’s not black men that love you, it’s poor fucks who literally don’t have any other choice.

I’ll decide and other men like me will decide what is fap worthy, not FaceFuckBook feeds or femtards or Oprah’s book club. 

I need a drink, I’ll talk to you fuckers later.

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Posted in Captain No Marriage, women's studies | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments »

You Can’t Spice Up A Turd

Posted by Capt. No-Marriage on April 14, 2014


real woman's ass

This is your Captain speaking……welcome aboard fuckers!!!

Last time I got hammered I wrote down some advice for my three female readers.  Well here I am again with one more golden nugget for the girls.  I’m filling in the blanks for the broads out there, so listen up!

If you live long enough you’re bound to hear broad talking about her failing relationship and how she “worked” to make things better.  One often touted method of “working” on things doesn’t actually involve any work at all.  I’m talking about lingerie.  Women talk about how they dress sexy for their husband without any regard how they’ve let themselves go.

What you ladies need to understand is while men like a woman in lingerie, it needs to be said….since most of you are obviously slow…..we like HOT women in lingerie.  Check out the picture above, most me have some version of what we consider hot and that’s what we picture. 

So what happens when you squeeze your ass into something you just picked up off the clearance rack at Adam and Eve???  Well a couple things, first off it’s a stark reminder of how far you’ve let yourself go from the time we first met you.  So if you’re confused as to why your husband used to love you in something skimpy and now he vomits at the mere site of you, that’s why.  You just reminded him of how you ran the old bait-n-switch on him.  average woman

Here’s the other scenario that happens, you were never hot to begin with yet you are under some notion that your guy thinks you’re beautiful when the truth is your guy dropped out of high school and is a loser with few choices.  So you wear you’re little lace outfit but instead of looking like one of the hot chicks on Instagram you look like someone tried to strangle a giant squid with a garden hose.  Good job there Sally, you just basically rubbed your man’s nose in shit, as if he didn’t already know you’re ugly (hence the fact he has to be either high or drunk or both to fuck ya) now you just reminded him of that fact in bold, loud, living color.

So for those of you who want to actually work on your relationship, why not try doing the shit you did to trick him in to marrying you in the first place, like looking hot and blow jobs.

You’re now free to piss on a giant squid.

Posted in Captain No Marriage, marriage sucks, relationship, women's studies | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments »

 
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