Captain No-Marriage Blog

Marriage is a kick in the nuts.

Posts Tagged ‘captain’

You Know What Grinds My Fucking Gears???!!!

Posted by Capt. No-Marriage on June 8, 2015


This is your Captain speaking….welcome aboard fuckers!

I’m pissed, not it’s not about the latest police gone wild story on the news or about the latest nutjob running for president. It’s about how I’m sick and fucking tired of being told what I should find attractive in the opposite sex.

First we had that chick who was down with the down calling herself a fashion model and proclaimed to be changing the face of beauty.

down with downs

Next it was all the publicity about Hillary Clinton’s stunt double, Caitlyn Jenner, and how she’s soooooooo beautiful and soooooooo brave.

caitlyn_jenner

And if that wasn’t fuck all enough, now we have some broad weighing in at 260+lbs calling herself a super model and proclaiming that “black men love me”. 

moby dick

That is not fucking “beauty”, I’ve NEVER been drunk enough to consider any of the above three beautiful and that says a lot because I’ve spent a lot of time fucked up, so I’ve done my research there!!!!

I could careless what they do, knock yourself out ladies, but don’t expect me and other regular guys like me to consider you fap material.  Don’t expect to find your name on a top 10 list of broads every guy wants to bang.

And spoiler alert for the fattie, it’s not black men that love you, it’s poor fucks who literally don’t have any other choice.

I’ll decide and other men like me will decide what is fap worthy, not FaceFuckBook feeds or femtards or Oprah’s book club. 

I need a drink, I’ll talk to you fuckers later.

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Posted in Captain No Marriage, women's studies | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments »

Create Some Space

Posted by Capt. No-Marriage on October 30, 2014


couple-arguing

This is your Captain speaking………welcome aboard fuckers!

I was halfway through a lengthy blog post for married guys about shit to do when you want to waste time when you don’t want to go home when it dawned on me that I needed another beer.  It also dawned on me that I needed to back up a bit with my thinking.  Because just like in sports, shit needs to be set up before it’s executed. So just like the offensive line sets up a good run, here’s how you set up your life.

I’m talking to all sorts of guys here, whether you just have a fuck buddy or a wife, you need to set things up so that whenever you need some space, you can have it.  Often times in relationships we give away too much, our wives know our daily routine down to the fucking minute.  This tends to happen slowly over time usually because if some bitch just flat out asked you where you are every second of the day you’d Ray Rice her ass!

Are you that guy who has to call the little lady on your lunch and/or breaks every fucking day or maybe the guy who has more personal calls than business calls?  Does she expect a prompt response when she emails you at work?  Is your cell phone nothing but a hand-held ankle bracelet?  Be honest here, I’m not busting your balls over it, you might have answered yes to every question, but there is still hope for even you.

First off, this is your fucking job, not her message or answering service to track you down during the day.  So here’s what you do TODAY…….your company is cracking down on personal calls, both at your desk and on your cell phone.  Cell phone ringers are to be turned off, yes OFF, your story is the familiar “some asshole ruined it for the rest of us” deal.  The idea here is to not be at her fingertips all the fucking time.  Don’t let her derail you with that bullshit about if an “emergency” comes up, that’s just total bullshit on her part.  Yes emergencies happen, but not every fucking day and you not answering her text is NOT an emergency.

So now she’ll want your attention on all your breaks and lunches.  You have to slow her down here too.  If you are salaried, you’re going to be “too busy”
on some new project you’re working on……..a long term project with lots of big words to describe it, that way she’ll never ask about it in detail.  As far as lunches, you’ll be having more working lunches, lunches with colleagues, team lunches, anything that will give you an excuse to silence your phone. 

The idea is to create space for you. You also need to start varying the times you go to and come home from work.  Even if you get off the same time every day, start coming up with reasons you’ll be working late……but not at your desk where she can call you.  The team is wrapping shit up in a conference room, one without a phone.  You guys like to work in this room because it lets you focus or whatever line of shit you want to give her.  But make sure you set this up before you start actually “working” late.  Start telling her you won’t be at your desk, you’re working on a project and you all agreed that cell phones were distractions so you are all leaving yours at your desks.  If she has a real emergency, she can call the secretary or whatever main line your company has.

This will do a couple things, it’ll give you some piece and quiet at your desk and it will buy you some time later on when you don’t feel like going home right away.  But you have to start slowly setting this shit up early guys, don’t try to do all this at once, ease into it.  The cracking down on personal call one is easy and it’ll buy you some quick relief.

These are just a few ideas, I’m sure you can think of more.  Just in general, both at work and home, start thinking of things to get away.  For example a monthly thing with the guys, this can be anything from spending a whole day fishing, car show, or watching a game at a sports bar.  Just something to get you out of the house.  This one is obviously one you want to actually do, but even if there’s one day your friends can’t make it, you should still take that time for yourself.

That’s the other thing, I’m not just saying to think of fake shit to buy yourself some time, but also come up with actual shit you like to do.  Be the guy who finds a cool place for an after work happy hour once or twice a month. Go golfing, fishing or some other activity that she hates on the weekends.  Go to the gym, that’s one that you can use just to get out of the house also.  A bonus tip for the gym is to join a gym she would hate, don’t join a female friendly gym like Planet Fuck Fitness or some bullshit like that.  Join a real one where they blast heavy metal and hard rap. 

Conventions, go to one, out of town, without her.  This will do a few things, it’ll actually help your career for one by giving you a chance to network and learn more about your industry or trade.  Hell you might even be able to convince your company to partially foot the bill or make it so it’s considered work days so that you don’t have to use your vacation days.  This is also an easy to get a little traveling in, granted only a few days but imagine how nice it’ll be to come back to that nice quiet hotel room.  Even better if it’s in a different time zone so that you can blame jet-lag for cutting her off on the phone so that you can go to bed.  So many pluses to this one!  Book smart and use the same airline and hotel so that you get the benefit of points and shit, sounds corny, but once you’ve stayed in some kick ass suites for free, you start to warm up to the idea.

So there’s some ideas for you guys.  I know there’s a lot of talk about just getting the fuck out of the marriage, but sometimes you can’t just up and leave, sometimes that shit takes a while to plan out and get yourself straight before you make your exit.  This will help make that time more bearable. 

If you guys have other tips and ideas, I’d love to hear it.  Until then, keep drinking.

You’re now free to pass the Scotch.Highland-Park

WordPress Tags: Create,Some,Space,Captain,beer,life,buddy,wife,Often,relationships,Rice,lady,Does,response,cell,bracelet,balls,message,desk,

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And They Wonder Why……

Posted by Capt. No-Marriage on August 27, 2014


 

bullshit-glass-ceiling

 

This is your Captain speaking…….welcome aboard fuckers!!!

It’s back to school time again folks, or as welfare moms call it…..Vacation.

It’s also back to all the little ladies at the office wanting the company they work for to bend and twist around so that their job doesn’t interfere with them having it all and being a mother to their womb turds and future government dependents.

I mean what bullshit it would be if the poor fragile women had to work a regular schedule like men do!!!  That would be awful if women were expected to actually contribute to the bottom line! How sexist!!!

So the little misses come in late and leave early and then come appraisal time they expect the same raise or even more as everyone else who actually fucking showed up for work.

Newsflash girls, you can’t have it all.  Just like men you have to decide if you want to play house or have a career, you can’t do both.   If you choose to shit out kids then don’t bitch when you are passed up at work by people who are better at their job in part because they have actually put some time in on the damn fuck job.

The glass ceiling is a goddamn lie, it’s not some fabled ceiling that holds women back, it’s the fucking holes they dig themselves into.  Getting worthless degrees in college and running up a shitfuckton of debt.  Having kids with convicts and other losers who can’t even support themselves.  Having kids with guys who just want to fuck and have zero interest in parenting.  Trying to trap a guy by “forgetting” your birth control.  All this is shit you guys control.  There isn’t some group of guys wringing their hands worrying about some broad wanting to get into the boardroom. 

Do you wage gap morons even have a fucking clue how hard it is to find people qualified to sit in the boardroom!!!  Of course you don’t, it’s much easier to sit and bitch about other’s success than it is to roll up your sleeves and make your own success happen.  Show me a person who hates rich business people and I’ll show you a lazy fuck.

You think it’s luck that makes you wealthy? No dumbtits, it’s work, it’s doing shit 99% of people won’t fucking damn do.  You bitch about a glass ceiling yet you don’t even work hard enough to merit getting out of the fucking basement!

Women are the reason there aren’t more women at the top.  Women are their own worst enemies.

You’re now free to piss on the ceiling.

 

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Posted in marriage sucks, women's studies | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 9 Comments »

You Can’t Spice Up A Turd

Posted by Capt. No-Marriage on April 14, 2014


real woman's ass

This is your Captain speaking……welcome aboard fuckers!!!

Last time I got hammered I wrote down some advice for my three female readers.  Well here I am again with one more golden nugget for the girls.  I’m filling in the blanks for the broads out there, so listen up!

If you live long enough you’re bound to hear broad talking about her failing relationship and how she “worked” to make things better.  One often touted method of “working” on things doesn’t actually involve any work at all.  I’m talking about lingerie.  Women talk about how they dress sexy for their husband without any regard how they’ve let themselves go.

What you ladies need to understand is while men like a woman in lingerie, it needs to be said….since most of you are obviously slow…..we like HOT women in lingerie.  Check out the picture above, most me have some version of what we consider hot and that’s what we picture. 

So what happens when you squeeze your ass into something you just picked up off the clearance rack at Adam and Eve???  Well a couple things, first off it’s a stark reminder of how far you’ve let yourself go from the time we first met you.  So if you’re confused as to why your husband used to love you in something skimpy and now he vomits at the mere site of you, that’s why.  You just reminded him of how you ran the old bait-n-switch on him.  average woman

Here’s the other scenario that happens, you were never hot to begin with yet you are under some notion that your guy thinks you’re beautiful when the truth is your guy dropped out of high school and is a loser with few choices.  So you wear you’re little lace outfit but instead of looking like one of the hot chicks on Instagram you look like someone tried to strangle a giant squid with a garden hose.  Good job there Sally, you just basically rubbed your man’s nose in shit, as if he didn’t already know you’re ugly (hence the fact he has to be either high or drunk or both to fuck ya) now you just reminded him of that fact in bold, loud, living color.

So for those of you who want to actually work on your relationship, why not try doing the shit you did to trick him in to marrying you in the first place, like looking hot and blow jobs.

You’re now free to piss on a giant squid.

Posted in Captain No Marriage, marriage sucks, relationship, women's studies | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments »

A Loser’s Favorite Time of Year

Posted by Capt. No-Marriage on February 1, 2014


money grubbing bitch

This is your Captain speaking……welcome aboard fuckers!!!

Well fuck, it’s that time of year again isn’t it?  It’s that magical time when our wonderful government hands out millions of dollars in free money to those who neither earned it or deserve it.  Yep, it’s tax time bitches!!!

The single mothers sure love this time of year don’t they?  Then to top it off, I was listening to Tom Leykis the other day and he was talking about how the Terminator’s ex-wife did some piece about poor women.  After a brief Google search I found several “news” sites that were pimping this shit and passing it off as journalism.  One piece even had a picture of some 23yr old broad who was a single mother of two and worked as a waitress.  Poor Ms Waitress was struggling to pay her bills, isn’t that sad?  Of course the article said that the government (us) should bail bitches like this out.  Because it was clearly fate that made her poor and not her shitty decisions.

Well what the fuck, we do bail their dumbasses out, every fucking year!!!  You’ve overheard these bitches brag about the thousands of dollars they get back, far more than most of them paid in if they paid any in at all.  You’ll see these bitches living it up at, shopping at Target instead of Walmart, eating at fine dining establishments such as Red Lobster and Golden Corral.  If you work with any of these slackers you’ll notice absences sharply increase this time of year.

Then by May you’ll hear these same women talking about how broke they are or their piece of shit car broke down and they can’t afford to get it fixed.  We need to stop throwing money at stupid people.  They are poor because they want to be, they are poor because they never planned or worked to be anything else! These are the same fucks who will go to that tax service whose name rhymes with……cock…….and pay extra money to get a refund anticipation loan.  I mean what the hell, it’s not their money, they don’t give a shit if they have to pay out the ass interest charges, these bitches don’t even know what interest is!!!

We need to end this bullshit about kids being expensive, so are yachts but you don’t see the government helping me buy one of them!  I have to actually budget and work for shit I want, people who just want to shit out kids should have to do the same thing.

And don’t give me this kids are our future shit or that it’s the kids of today that will be my nurse or doctor when I’m old.  First off, the kids of today can’t even move out of the fucking house and live on their own.  You think these lazy fucks are going to stay in college long enough to become a fucking doctor?jail

A kid has better odds of wearing an orange jumpsuit at the local jail than he or she does of being president of a major company, a congressman or any of that other happy horseshit people like to spout off about when they’re talking about kids being our fucking future.  These future saviors can’t even carry on a conversation with another human face to face because they’ve spent their lives in their rooms jacking off to Justin Boober and One Erection.  So don’t tell me how your stupid fucking kids are the future of this country, at best your kids will have the same shitty as you do that is of course if you can ever get them out of the fucking house! 

You’re now free to spit on a poor person.

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Why I Support Gay Marriage and Adoption

Posted by Capt. No-Marriage on July 8, 2013


Gay_Marriage_Women

This is your Captain speaking, sorry about that landing in San Fran, but……….Welcome aboard fuckers!!!!!!!

Ok, you probably never expected me to support any kind of marriage but hear me out fuckers.  Some of you probably already know my angle on this so here we go!!!!!!!

Listen, our family court system is FUCKED!!!  We all know that, if you’re a man you might as well lube up your ass and grab your ankles because you will get royally screwed in court by your ex, the lawyers, the whole fucking system!!!

As we’ve talked about here and other people have brought up in other venues, the only time they change a law that’s unfair to men is when it affects the little women too.  Just look at the case in Florida where the governor vetoed a bill that would have eliminated lifetime alimony.  I mean we can’t have that now can we?  What would the poor little gold-digging whores do?rm

So what we need guys is more bitches thrown on our side of the fence.  What we need is a nice pretty young thing to get with some manly looking broad and the two divorce.  It would be even better if they adopted a kid too, that way the manly bitch could get ass raped just like any man.

Things aren’t going to change until women start to feel the pain too, then it will suddenly become a national priority, there will be pages of editorials of how the system is broken and unfair.

I personally don’t give two shits who you’re fucking, this isn’t about gay, straight or sheep lovers.  The marriage failure rate for gay people will be just as shitty as it is for the rest of us.  So hang on to your butt plugs and rubber fists gay people because this is one ride that won’t make you explode with pleasure.  You have just boarded the Shit Town Express!!!!

I’ve tried to warn the LGBT community that marriage was a shitty deal, but you fucks refuse to listen, so now I want you to get exactly what you’re asking for, because that’s the only way men will get what I’m asking for. The system is broken people, take off your Elton John rose colored glasses and try to see what the fuck I’m saying.  Read the comments on this blog and others like it.  You don’t want this.

However, since the gay community seems to think they know more than the rest of us, fuck em.  I look forward to the day when some crying cunt in on the Today show talking about how her ex-wife took her for everything she owned.  Welcome to our world cunt.

You’re now free to do whatever the fuck you want.

Brasil ass rocks

Posted in marriage sucks, Politics, women's studies | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 6 Comments »

Women Of Wal-Mart

Posted by Capt. No-Marriage on March 30, 2011


wtf

This is your Captain speaking……..welcome aboard fuckers!

So the bitches are suing Wal-Mart.  Apparently these broads are just now discovering that getting knocked up in middle school and then getting a job in retail doesn’t pay very well.  Who knew?

Maybe the women at Wally World are pulling the same shit that women in other companies are pulling?  It’s no secret that Wal-Mart has a way of filtering out those who cannot hack it in management.  They promote you to wally world hottieassistant manager, then they work the piss out of you. 

No mental health days, no going home half-way through your day to pick up your waterhead kid you had when you were 16 and smoked meth every day so now the kid is all fucked up.

Wal-Mart believes in this crazy notion that you have to prove yourself before you go anywhere.  Yes, I know that’s so 1970, but they didn’t become the largest private employer by promoting people just for the fuck of it.

You see they are in business to make money, that’s what businesses do.  They are not charity organizations there to support you and your shitty life choices.

skankasaurusThe reason why women at Wal-Mart aren’t promoted at the same rate as men is the same as in any other company.  It’s the men who are working 70 and 80 hours a week.  It’s the men who show up to work and aren’t taking mental health days.  It’s the men who don’t take months off to have a baby.  If you want the same opportunities as men well you cunts need to put forth the same effort as men and don’t expect a fucking medal.  Just show up and do your goddamn job.

But it’s much easier to blame someone else for your shitty performance rating, isn’t it?  That’s the thing about these fucking cum dumpsters here in America.  They never even entertain the fucking thought that the root of the problem is actually THEM!!  Well Skankasaurus the problem is YOU!

Plus if these broads were such great business material then why the fuck didn’t they just start their own business?  Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh that’s right, that involves fucking work!  I forgot!  You dirty clams don’t like that shit!

Fuck these skanks.  I say Go WAL-MART.  Maybe next time you girls might get this thing called an education.  Nah, that’s work too.  Fuck of fucktits!

You’re now free to bang some chick who works at Target.  

Posted in money, Single mothers, women | Tagged: , , , , , | 4 Comments »

 
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