Captain No-Marriage Blog

Marriage is a kick in the nuts.

Posts Tagged ‘cum’

Red Flags All Over My Screen

Posted by Capt. No-Marriage on October 31, 2010


This is your Captain speaking…………..welcome aboard fuckers.

Look what we have here.  princess tard Another fine contestant from the wonderful world of online dating.  A perfect example of what’s wrong with American women.  She looks good on the outside, but let’s look at her profile.  Starting with her headline.

“Big time fist bump to Match for allowing me a break from the bar scene.”

Nice huh.  By the way, she’s 31 and we all know that maintenance costs for a chick like this are worse than for an exotic sports car.  But perhaps I’m being too harsh let’s see her opening paragraph.

“So the word is out. I’m single and looking (but there seems to be a serious drought of decent men in Boston’s bar scene, and if I have to fend off another douchie guy out there, I might claw my eyes out). So, in the interest of saving my eyes (and my sanity), I am nervously turning to online dating in hopes of finding a nice, quality guy.”

Fuck, where do I begin with that?  I could get several posts just from that steaming pile she just laid.  Darling I realize that Boston is a really small town………….you stupid cum basket are you serious?  You can’t find a guy in a city the size of Boston?

Ladies if you can’t find a “decent” guy it’s because they’re avoiding you!  Conversely gentlemen if you hear a woman complain about the lack of good men around that’s your official notice that other intelligent men are avoiding this chick and you should do the same! 

But Princess Entitlement doesn’t stop there.  She goes on with her laundry list for Mr. Right.

“Someone who is genuine, honest, kind, great sense of humor (definitely an emphasis on this one), clever, active, interested in current events and can hold a conversation, enjoys trying new things and exploring new places, is confident (but not cocky), and is a gentleman whom even mom would approve of, for starters.”

Soooooooooooo……………………………..she want’s to date Jesus. 

“I guess this is my opportunity to go on and on about how amazing I am, but I think I’ll save that for our first date (and wow the pants off of you. Though not literally. I mean, it’s our first date).”

Oh ok, that cleared it up for me.  She wants an awesome guy to take her places but doesn’t want any pussy.  Good luck with that Princess.  You might as well start collecting cats now!

You’re now free jack off on a jack-o-lantern

Posted in relationship, women | Tagged: , , , , , , , | 4 Comments »

I Want More Out of Life

Posted by Capt. No-Marriage on October 27, 2010


This is your Captain speaking…………welcome aboard fuckers!

I want a good life, that’s what I hear a lot from women who have spent their youth banging losers.  Funny how they weren’t looking for anything while some dope smoking idiot was dumping load after load into her as she kept shitting out kids.  Now that reality is beginning to set in and kick these bitches asses………now they want Poindexter from the IT department to step in and fill the financial void.

single mother 5

Single mothers wanting to start a “new” life, of course it’s only new if you don’t count all the fucking baggage they’re carrying around with them.  They want the new guy to pick up the tab for the loser who banged her back when she was at her hottest.  Now that she’s giving you the left overs, you also have to pay.  Awesome deal huh!

What’s crazy is these women who have spend most of their lives fucking losers suddenly have this incredible sense of entitlement!  They demand shit out of Poindexter that their old loser of a sperm donor wouldn’t even consider doing.  Now that they’re all worn the fuck out, now they want to have something meaningful.

I know it’s tempting sometimes guys.  Sometimes these women actually look good!  Just don’t forget it’s the ole bait n switch tactic.  Once she gets you locked in, here comes the pounds and there goes the long hair.  You can forget about good sex!  Blowjobs?  Not on your life!

Of course these are some of the same women who lament about not being able to find a good guy.  Bitch maybe the fact you have 3 or 4 kids is a fucking factor!!!  Do you really think another guy wants to jump in and start paying?  Yes everyone can make one mistake but when you let yourself get knocked up by a loser repeatedly, FUCK YOU!

You’re now free to blow a load in some cunt’s hair.

 

Posted in relationship, women | Tagged: , , , , , , | 4 Comments »

The Next Generation of Beaten Dogs

Posted by Capt. No-Marriage on October 16, 2010


This is your Captain speaking……..welcome aboard fuckers.

So I made a comment on a site about Marriage 2.0 (no not the Spearhead article).  My response was simply that there is no benefit to a man to get married, because there isn’t.  The following is a response I received to my comment.  I of course interjected my alcohol fueled commentary highlighted in red.

I’m not naming this person because this young man represents a lot of young guys that have grown up with the internet and probably have little or no interpersonal skills out in the real world.   Enjoy fuckers.

mangina

  • Marriage actually guarantees quite a bit, for those who are willing to make the sacrifice and do for more than themselves. Sounds like a recipe to get fucked!

  • Marriage guarantees that you will: have the opportunity to grow in selflessness, be able to have a more keen sense of self and others, understand the intricacies of other people centeredness, What? You have to have a mommy to help you be a better person, you can’t grow on your own?

  • have a family of your own, grow in emotional intelligence, increase your income and your wealth, Whoa!  Stop right the fuck there nitwit.  Unless you’re a loser marriage does not increase your wealth, especially when you live in a community property state as most of us do.  Talk to some guys who are paying out the ass in child support for kids she wanted and alimony to her while she’s shacked up with her next victim. Ok, let’s continue on…

  • enjoy the benefits of a consistent and fulfilling sex life, Holy diluted sense of how the real world works Batman!  What the fuck do we have here!!!  This kid needs to talk to some of the guys he works with that’s been married for a few years.  I don’t know of any married guys talking about how their sex life kicks ass or how after they signed on the dotted line how she keeps herself in tip top shape.  In fact, we hear the exact opposite.  Sure there are some guys who get it regularly but even then you’re getting the same old tired shit regularly.,

  • have companionship and loyalty, Loyalty?  Women initiate 70% of divorces.

  • build a true home, see the world, build your local community, provide assistance to kids who don’t have a home, and take out the garbage. Take out the garbage?  That’s the best you can come up with for a benefit?
    Who wouldn’t want to try that?!

  • I was once a single male. Not much out there. This where the real problem surfaces for this young man.  He was probably raised by a single mother who taught him to be a nice guy and we all know how much nice guys get laid.  So then he finally found someone with a vagina who would give him the time of day he jumped in with both feet, overlooking all her faults because he was just desperate and without options.

 

  • You take a risk either way. If you’re not dating a woman you date your job. If you’re dating someone that you like, but don’t want to get married to, you never have a fulfilling relationship outside of sex. If she wants to be with you and not get married as well, you move in together and then you have a psuedo-marriage. Never live with a bitch!!

 

  • So the benefit there, is that you don’t have to come up with lawyer fees, but you have to find a security deposit for your next apartment…lol. Which isn’t hard if you have a career, give up your dream of being a shift manager at Wendy’s and you might be able to afford the security deposit.

You are now free to send cock pics to random chicks.  You know they like it.

Posted in Marriage | Tagged: , , , , | 4 Comments »

Expired Cunt Wants Me To Pay For Old Vagina!

Posted by Capt. No-Marriage on September 18, 2010


This is your Captain speaking……..welcome aboard fuckers!!

A while back I talked about my lack of interest in my class reunion, however I eventually decided to go along with some good friends of mine who I still keep in touch with. There was also a particular female “friend” there also that I have been conversing with via email before the reunion.

This particular woman is someone who I had an interest in back in high school but was unsuccessful in banging her back then. Even after graduation I’d run into her every now and they, we even went to dinner back before I knew any better. Of course back then she was in her twenties and no doubt had plenty of offers rolling in while at that point in my life I had a blue collar job making a shitty hourly wage.

Fast-forward 3 kids and 2 different fathers later for her and an MBA and good paying job for me…………….and what do you know. When we started talking this time there was a spark!! Love is in the goddamn stankin’ air!! Imagine that! But wait folks, that’s not all. She even confessed that she liked me back in school too! Oh happy happy joy joy!!! Then she told me that she wished I had asked her out back then!!

Hang on a second………..I detect a flaw in the slaw here.  For fuck sake I tried, I did shit I’d never do now to get that pussy! It was not lack of effort on my part! Don’t you just love how women twist shit around? Let’s take a look at what really went the fuck on.

THEN:then

NOW:now

 

In her 20s she was getting all kinds of offers and little Miss Princess could be as picky as she wanted! But now that her ass is knocking on 40 with “multiple baby daddy syndrome” kicking her in the teeth………..she suddenly has a change of heart. Thank goodness my lucky stars!! Oh, did I mention that this chick doesn’t have any kind of career or education to fall back on; her 401k is finding a guy (sucker) to lock in and make him pay!! Speaking of paying, do I even have to mention that one of the father’s is a loser who doesn’t pay child support? Big surprise I know.

Now that all the good prospects have dried up, oh yes now she wants me to come in with my Captain Save-A-Hoe cape and pay all the bills. Pay for the fun all other guys had who got her in her prime, back when the ass was still firm, the tits pointed straight ahead and the pussy was still tight. Yes, now she wants a one on one serious relationship.

To quote an old Saturday Night Live skit…..”Isn’t that special!”

You are now free to bang hookers in Europe.

Posted in money, relationship, women | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , | 5 Comments »

Have You Heard???

Posted by Capt. No-Marriage on September 9, 2010


This is your Captain speaking…………….welcome aboard fuckers!!!

Gentlemen what have you heard from your friends lately?  My friends and I have been talking about the start of the NFL season, the 80s style shoot em up movie “The Expendables”, and other important stuff like beer and other fine spirits.

anheuser busch beer

Notice how when something kicks ass, everybody talks about it?  Whether it’s new brew your buddy just discovered, the latest cool gadget, or that finely put together porn movie, it doesn’t matter; if it’s cool you’re going to hear about it!!

So what do you hear about marriage?????

                                                        ban-marriage

That’s right, you hear that it fucking sucks ass!!  Have at any point in your life has one of your friends called you up or come to your house screaming about how awesome marriage is?  Know any guys jumping up and down like Tom Cruise on Oprah’s couch yelling about how much marriage rocks?  Do your married buddies talk about how the sex just gets better every time or how she can’t stop swallowing his load or that his wife is in the best shape of her life after they said “I do”.

No, you don’t do you?  In fact you hear the opposite.  They complain about the lack of sex, or that they have to buy it in the form of shopping or dinners.  You hear stories about how she completely let herself go as soon as she had him locked in.  They describe their wife as battle-ax, the warden, ball-n-chain, buzzkill, and as one of my friends called his wife…..the virgin Mary.

                                                                                                                         marriage-sex

Does marriage sound like a good idea fellas?  Are you one of those guys who thinks that they are different?  That your girl is different, that you and you alone picked the right one?  If that’s the case then you need to play lotto, for one your odds are a lot better.

Marriage is shit guys, trust me.  If it kicked ass then those of us who fucked up and made that mistake would be telling you how shit-balls awesome it was.  But we’re not!!!!  Because it’s a bad decision for men, period.

You’re now free to grab a beer and hit the emergency exit.

     

 

Posted in Marriage, relationship, sex | Tagged: , , , , , , , | 1 Comment »

Alimony: A Lottery

Posted by Capt. No-Marriage on September 4, 2010


Posted in Marriage, money | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments »

Too Good to be True???

Posted by Capt. No-Marriage on September 2, 2010


This is your Captain speaking………..welcome aboard fuckers!!!

Sometimes you have to take these bitches with a grain of salt.  Yes even my sarcastic ass knows that not ALL American women are fucked up, just 99.99999% of them are.  So there is a chance that I might meet one that is cool, just like there’s a chance I might win Power Ball, catch a unicorn or shit a golden turd.

So what happens when you meet that one that’s fan-fucking-tastic!!!  I mean she’s great, cool to hang with, likes your friends, and of course sucks the fucking color off your dick!  To quote the great philosopher Kenny Loggins, this is when you are in “The Danger Zone”.  This is when you can get easily distracted by her firm ass and excellent oral communication skills.

Don’t let your guard down gentlemen!  Take a step back and evaluate the situation as if you were giving advice to one of your drinking buds.   It will give you a much better picture of what you really have on your hands.  Recently, I’ve found myself in this same exact situation and when I did step back and mulled things over with my good friend Johnnie Walker here are some of the red flags that I found whipping in the wind.

Multiple kids, multiple fathers. (who don’t pay child support)
Previous “serious” relationship was abusive.
Complains about not finding any “good” men.
Radical spike in interest after learning of career path
Lots of male friends, very few female friends.
No goals, career or otherwise.  (waiting on Prince Charming)

    The list goes on, but you get the picture.  It’s easy to ignore the warning signs when someone is swallowing your load; especially when they do their best to hide them. Until next time fuckers.

    You’re now free to drink scotch on the rocks.

    Posted in sex, women | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

    GODDAMMIT!!!!!!!!!!!

    Posted by Capt. No-Marriage on August 30, 2010


    Nothing like drunk emailing some skanks you bang on the side.  Goddamn you Alcohol!!!  You win this round, but I’ll be back tomorrow!!!!!


    Posted in pua, sex, women | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

    What Are You Really Getting?

    Posted by Capt. No-Marriage on August 17, 2010


    This is your Captain speaking…………..welcome aboard fuckers!!

    When you work someplace that the majority of employees are women, you get to see and hear some things that you’d probably rather not know.  Like the woman in her mid 20s who sleeps in a separate bedroom and when her “soulmate”  wants some ass he has to pay for it with dinner and gifts.  Or how about the endless medical issues that some women have ranging from migraines to anxiety episodes??  I mean if she’s pulling this shit with her boss, imagine trying to get some pussy from her?

    Of course these women hid these behaviors BEFORE their guy signed the dotted line.  These women I’m talking about look great when you first see them.  You think, man that’s not too bad right there.  She’s HOT!  But soon you see she’s more loosely held together like a shade-tree mechanic’s old Chevy!

    Their husbands thought they were getting this…………………………….


    But what they REALLY got stuck with is this…………………….

    Talk about fucking Cash for Clunkers!  Holy Bait and Switch Batman!!!

    I have recently seen an increase in some of these so-called “classics” trying to get my attention.  I’ve even test drove a couple.  However in the back of my head, I wonder HOW MUCH ARE THE MAINTENANCE COSTS!!!!

    You are now free to listen to Tom Leykis.

    Posted in money, sex, women | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

    The Great Escape

    Posted by Capt. No-Marriage on July 31, 2010


    This is your Captain speaking……………….welcome aboard fuckers.

    Back on May 4th 2009, I entered my first damn post where I said I would chronicle my journey out of marriage.  Since then I have been stashing away cash, $5 here, $20 there into what I call a F U Fund.  This is because my wife and I had already separated once and got back together due to finances.  Since then, we have eliminated all joint debt and even some of our individual debt.  I needed my stash of cash because although I do have friends that would put me up if I was out in the cold, I do not have any family that I could shack up with for a few months while I got my affairs in order.  So I had to plan.


    I planned for the worse.  I planned that the day I told my wife I wanted a divorce that I’d have to leave that day.  That day came and went this week, prior I had been looking at apartments.  I knew exactly where I would go.

    However the worse did not happen.  Although I would compare my situation to the situation in the Gulf of Mexico and the BP oil spill.  The situation may seem under control now, but it could go to fuck at any minute.

    Some things did go as I planned, I was the bad guy of course and she claimed to be the perfect wife.  She claimed I was just using her and that she was the only one contributing to the marriage, blah, blah, blah.

    While I play an asshole on the internet, I do have one or two good qualities even though being civil can get you screwed over.  Currently we have agreed that this will not be a hasty, unguided split.  However, please remember the BP situation.  It could blow at any moment.  Right now the time frame for my departure is Nov-Dec.  I am still preparing for the worst.

    You are now free to move about the cabin.

    Posted in Marriage, money | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments »

     
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