Captain No-Marriage Blog

Marriage is a kick in the nuts.

Posts Tagged ‘wife’

Create Some Space

Posted by Capt. No-Marriage on October 30, 2014


couple-arguing

This is your Captain speaking………welcome aboard fuckers!

I was halfway through a lengthy blog post for married guys about shit to do when you want to waste time when you don’t want to go home when it dawned on me that I needed another beer.  It also dawned on me that I needed to back up a bit with my thinking.  Because just like in sports, shit needs to be set up before it’s executed. So just like the offensive line sets up a good run, here’s how you set up your life.

I’m talking to all sorts of guys here, whether you just have a fuck buddy or a wife, you need to set things up so that whenever you need some space, you can have it.  Often times in relationships we give away too much, our wives know our daily routine down to the fucking minute.  This tends to happen slowly over time usually because if some bitch just flat out asked you where you are every second of the day you’d Ray Rice her ass!

Are you that guy who has to call the little lady on your lunch and/or breaks every fucking day or maybe the guy who has more personal calls than business calls?  Does she expect a prompt response when she emails you at work?  Is your cell phone nothing but a hand-held ankle bracelet?  Be honest here, I’m not busting your balls over it, you might have answered yes to every question, but there is still hope for even you.

First off, this is your fucking job, not her message or answering service to track you down during the day.  So here’s what you do TODAY…….your company is cracking down on personal calls, both at your desk and on your cell phone.  Cell phone ringers are to be turned off, yes OFF, your story is the familiar “some asshole ruined it for the rest of us” deal.  The idea here is to not be at her fingertips all the fucking time.  Don’t let her derail you with that bullshit about if an “emergency” comes up, that’s just total bullshit on her part.  Yes emergencies happen, but not every fucking day and you not answering her text is NOT an emergency.

So now she’ll want your attention on all your breaks and lunches.  You have to slow her down here too.  If you are salaried, you’re going to be “too busy”
on some new project you’re working on……..a long term project with lots of big words to describe it, that way she’ll never ask about it in detail.  As far as lunches, you’ll be having more working lunches, lunches with colleagues, team lunches, anything that will give you an excuse to silence your phone. 

The idea is to create space for you. You also need to start varying the times you go to and come home from work.  Even if you get off the same time every day, start coming up with reasons you’ll be working late……but not at your desk where she can call you.  The team is wrapping shit up in a conference room, one without a phone.  You guys like to work in this room because it lets you focus or whatever line of shit you want to give her.  But make sure you set this up before you start actually “working” late.  Start telling her you won’t be at your desk, you’re working on a project and you all agreed that cell phones were distractions so you are all leaving yours at your desks.  If she has a real emergency, she can call the secretary or whatever main line your company has.

This will do a couple things, it’ll give you some piece and quiet at your desk and it will buy you some time later on when you don’t feel like going home right away.  But you have to start slowly setting this shit up early guys, don’t try to do all this at once, ease into it.  The cracking down on personal call one is easy and it’ll buy you some quick relief.

These are just a few ideas, I’m sure you can think of more.  Just in general, both at work and home, start thinking of things to get away.  For example a monthly thing with the guys, this can be anything from spending a whole day fishing, car show, or watching a game at a sports bar.  Just something to get you out of the house.  This one is obviously one you want to actually do, but even if there’s one day your friends can’t make it, you should still take that time for yourself.

That’s the other thing, I’m not just saying to think of fake shit to buy yourself some time, but also come up with actual shit you like to do.  Be the guy who finds a cool place for an after work happy hour once or twice a month. Go golfing, fishing or some other activity that she hates on the weekends.  Go to the gym, that’s one that you can use just to get out of the house also.  A bonus tip for the gym is to join a gym she would hate, don’t join a female friendly gym like Planet Fuck Fitness or some bullshit like that.  Join a real one where they blast heavy metal and hard rap. 

Conventions, go to one, out of town, without her.  This will do a few things, it’ll actually help your career for one by giving you a chance to network and learn more about your industry or trade.  Hell you might even be able to convince your company to partially foot the bill or make it so it’s considered work days so that you don’t have to use your vacation days.  This is also an easy to get a little traveling in, granted only a few days but imagine how nice it’ll be to come back to that nice quiet hotel room.  Even better if it’s in a different time zone so that you can blame jet-lag for cutting her off on the phone so that you can go to bed.  So many pluses to this one!  Book smart and use the same airline and hotel so that you get the benefit of points and shit, sounds corny, but once you’ve stayed in some kick ass suites for free, you start to warm up to the idea.

So there’s some ideas for you guys.  I know there’s a lot of talk about just getting the fuck out of the marriage, but sometimes you can’t just up and leave, sometimes that shit takes a while to plan out and get yourself straight before you make your exit.  This will help make that time more bearable. 

If you guys have other tips and ideas, I’d love to hear it.  Until then, keep drinking.

You’re now free to pass the Scotch.Highland-Park

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Posted in avoid marriage, marriage sucks, women's studies | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

A Loser’s Favorite Time of Year

Posted by Capt. No-Marriage on February 1, 2014


money grubbing bitch

This is your Captain speaking……welcome aboard fuckers!!!

Well fuck, it’s that time of year again isn’t it?  It’s that magical time when our wonderful government hands out millions of dollars in free money to those who neither earned it or deserve it.  Yep, it’s tax time bitches!!!

The single mothers sure love this time of year don’t they?  Then to top it off, I was listening to Tom Leykis the other day and he was talking about how the Terminator’s ex-wife did some piece about poor women.  After a brief Google search I found several “news” sites that were pimping this shit and passing it off as journalism.  One piece even had a picture of some 23yr old broad who was a single mother of two and worked as a waitress.  Poor Ms Waitress was struggling to pay her bills, isn’t that sad?  Of course the article said that the government (us) should bail bitches like this out.  Because it was clearly fate that made her poor and not her shitty decisions.

Well what the fuck, we do bail their dumbasses out, every fucking year!!!  You’ve overheard these bitches brag about the thousands of dollars they get back, far more than most of them paid in if they paid any in at all.  You’ll see these bitches living it up at, shopping at Target instead of Walmart, eating at fine dining establishments such as Red Lobster and Golden Corral.  If you work with any of these slackers you’ll notice absences sharply increase this time of year.

Then by May you’ll hear these same women talking about how broke they are or their piece of shit car broke down and they can’t afford to get it fixed.  We need to stop throwing money at stupid people.  They are poor because they want to be, they are poor because they never planned or worked to be anything else! These are the same fucks who will go to that tax service whose name rhymes with……cock…….and pay extra money to get a refund anticipation loan.  I mean what the hell, it’s not their money, they don’t give a shit if they have to pay out the ass interest charges, these bitches don’t even know what interest is!!!

We need to end this bullshit about kids being expensive, so are yachts but you don’t see the government helping me buy one of them!  I have to actually budget and work for shit I want, people who just want to shit out kids should have to do the same thing.

And don’t give me this kids are our future shit or that it’s the kids of today that will be my nurse or doctor when I’m old.  First off, the kids of today can’t even move out of the fucking house and live on their own.  You think these lazy fucks are going to stay in college long enough to become a fucking doctor?jail

A kid has better odds of wearing an orange jumpsuit at the local jail than he or she does of being president of a major company, a congressman or any of that other happy horseshit people like to spout off about when they’re talking about kids being our fucking future.  These future saviors can’t even carry on a conversation with another human face to face because they’ve spent their lives in their rooms jacking off to Justin Boober and One Erection.  So don’t tell me how your stupid fucking kids are the future of this country, at best your kids will have the same shitty as you do that is of course if you can ever get them out of the fucking house! 

You’re now free to spit on a poor person.

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Posted in avoid marriage, marriage sucks, women's studies | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments »

Reader Mail

Posted by Capt. No-Marriage on July 9, 2013


Mail

What’s up fuckers!  Every once in a while I sober up just long enough to read a couple emails.  Today I found this one from a vet, which I’d like to thank him and all our our service members for their duty. 

It’s a well written letter, make you think.  Now here it is…

 

Why I don’t support men’s rights groups: On my first deployment I was pulling guard duty with this SGT in his 40s, I was about 19 at the time. All he did was stare at the wall and dip. Sitting there staring at the wall and dipping tobacco. I could never understand at 19 why he was so shut down emotionally. So I asked him why. He replied with an answer I’d never forget: I figured out the meaning of life he said, "I’m normal and everyone else is fucked up in the head". Those were his exact words.

Now I’m 25 going on 26. After being burned by women and no longer being a nice guy to them I learned how to stand up for myself and not let myself be walked all over, or even worse avoid them all together which saves me the effort and possible embarrassment of an argument in public, but at the same time teaches them that anything they say is OK simply because they are a woman. Sometimes as I fall asleep at night I think about who I really am and I notice that I’m less trusting of women and don’t want to ever get married. Why would I when most of my adult friends got screwed over one way or another. Out of ALL the people I know, I know only ONE yes ONE man has full custody of ONE of his 3 children. And that’s only because the mom was in jail for drugs right before the divorce and judge kinda had to rule his way.

So back to contemplating about my Inner self. It’s incredibly difficult to turn on TV and see in EVERY sitcom of how the man is always portrayed as a dumb useless irresponsible person who only thinks about football and beer. And of course the women on TV are always right, smart and entitled to absolutely everything they want. That kinda stuff is boring to watch so I flip the channel every time I see something like that. But who would I talk to about it? My circle of friends is gone because I recently moved to a different city. I can’t just walk into a bar, come up to a stranger and start talking about real shit like this. I have to carry on a rather boring superficial conversation about food or cars.

So I went online and found your site. Witch kinda reinforced the concepts that are already in my head: women use men and men let that happen because most of them are pussies themselves. That is until they get burned enough and become heartless bachelors, or even worse: submit to society, get married and forever get used as a slave by their wife who would divorce and take everything she can get her hands on if the man doesn’t act right. And if a man has a dispute with a woman the man is guilty until proven innocent. Proving yourself innocent is a very expensive process in court these days. This whole system is messed up and for some reason people are scared to talk about it publically. Only words exchanged are online in anonymous forums. I tried talking about this shit in public places with people I know. Most of them are frankly not intelligent enough to understand my points or they just don’t care about it because they are too stupid to realize just how much they would really get fucked in a divorce court or even in a dispute that winds up in front of a judge. And those who understand are too scared to come out of the closet.

There’s a whole list of things that are wrong with society today. And no, the problem isn’t liberals, republicans, gun collectors or anti-abortion groups. The real problem is that we live in a world where the society worships Kim Kardashian and a lot of women want to act like her. The problem is that men empower wrongdoing done by women by not standing up for themselves. And those men that do stand up for themselves don’t get labeled by the media as the "good guy". To be honest, men do a lot of shit wrong too but that kind of behavior doesn’t last because of courts and social exile that any woman can impose on any guy that tells her something she doesn’t want to hear.

So why don’t we males organize ourselves into political power? Well two reasons in my opinion: first of all there’s too much political correctness these days and the first politician to mention "men’s rights" is going to be committing a "public political suicide". Second and most important reason is that men want to fuck most the women while women want only 10% of the top preforming males. So the top 10% of men get 100% of the hot chicks. Notice no women are ever homeless by the way unless they’re old or fat. I’ve seen plenty 20 year old guys in down town Chicago asking for change, not a single 20 year old chick ever asked me for a nickel. So as a man I have a choice to compete with the rest and be a successful bachelor or settle for less and become a slave to my future wife. Either way I won’t be in an organized movement for "men’s rights". I will either get it my way and make money and travel the world enjoying life in every country or I will get enslaved by marriage and the court system. So either way I won’t be an activist.

On my last night out in Austin, I tried coming up to multiple hot random chicks and talking about serious shit like this. I didn’t get any good results at all. So what does that teach me? Play a game or be played but there is no changing it. Worst of all I’m beginning to think that the hotter a woman is the more entitled she feels. A gross stereotype maybe but prove me wrong. So as I go out pondering the streets looking for a one night stand I’m beginning to realize that I also know the meaning of life: I’m normal and everyone else is fucked up in the head.”

 

See, I told you that shit was good.  So many great points in one email!!!

I’m of the mind that if this gentleman enjoys his life the way HE wants to enjoy it, that sends a far greater message than any political action group could ever do.  So my good man, I am raising my glass to you where ever you might be, I hope that you are making your own way and enjoying your life to the fullest.  Cheers.

 

Posted in Captain No Marriage, Marriage, women's studies | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 9 Comments »

Why I Support Gay Marriage and Adoption

Posted by Capt. No-Marriage on July 8, 2013


Gay_Marriage_Women

This is your Captain speaking, sorry about that landing in San Fran, but……….Welcome aboard fuckers!!!!!!!

Ok, you probably never expected me to support any kind of marriage but hear me out fuckers.  Some of you probably already know my angle on this so here we go!!!!!!!

Listen, our family court system is FUCKED!!!  We all know that, if you’re a man you might as well lube up your ass and grab your ankles because you will get royally screwed in court by your ex, the lawyers, the whole fucking system!!!

As we’ve talked about here and other people have brought up in other venues, the only time they change a law that’s unfair to men is when it affects the little women too.  Just look at the case in Florida where the governor vetoed a bill that would have eliminated lifetime alimony.  I mean we can’t have that now can we?  What would the poor little gold-digging whores do?rm

So what we need guys is more bitches thrown on our side of the fence.  What we need is a nice pretty young thing to get with some manly looking broad and the two divorce.  It would be even better if they adopted a kid too, that way the manly bitch could get ass raped just like any man.

Things aren’t going to change until women start to feel the pain too, then it will suddenly become a national priority, there will be pages of editorials of how the system is broken and unfair.

I personally don’t give two shits who you’re fucking, this isn’t about gay, straight or sheep lovers.  The marriage failure rate for gay people will be just as shitty as it is for the rest of us.  So hang on to your butt plugs and rubber fists gay people because this is one ride that won’t make you explode with pleasure.  You have just boarded the Shit Town Express!!!!

I’ve tried to warn the LGBT community that marriage was a shitty deal, but you fucks refuse to listen, so now I want you to get exactly what you’re asking for, because that’s the only way men will get what I’m asking for. The system is broken people, take off your Elton John rose colored glasses and try to see what the fuck I’m saying.  Read the comments on this blog and others like it.  You don’t want this.

However, since the gay community seems to think they know more than the rest of us, fuck em.  I look forward to the day when some crying cunt in on the Today show talking about how her ex-wife took her for everything she owned.  Welcome to our world cunt.

You’re now free to do whatever the fuck you want.

Brasil ass rocks

Posted in marriage sucks, Politics, women's studies | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 6 Comments »

Have You Heard???

Posted by Capt. No-Marriage on September 9, 2010


This is your Captain speaking…………….welcome aboard fuckers!!!

Gentlemen what have you heard from your friends lately?  My friends and I have been talking about the start of the NFL season, the 80s style shoot em up movie “The Expendables”, and other important stuff like beer and other fine spirits.

anheuser busch beer

Notice how when something kicks ass, everybody talks about it?  Whether it’s new brew your buddy just discovered, the latest cool gadget, or that finely put together porn movie, it doesn’t matter; if it’s cool you’re going to hear about it!!

So what do you hear about marriage?????

                                                        ban-marriage

That’s right, you hear that it fucking sucks ass!!  Have at any point in your life has one of your friends called you up or come to your house screaming about how awesome marriage is?  Know any guys jumping up and down like Tom Cruise on Oprah’s couch yelling about how much marriage rocks?  Do your married buddies talk about how the sex just gets better every time or how she can’t stop swallowing his load or that his wife is in the best shape of her life after they said “I do”.

No, you don’t do you?  In fact you hear the opposite.  They complain about the lack of sex, or that they have to buy it in the form of shopping or dinners.  You hear stories about how she completely let herself go as soon as she had him locked in.  They describe their wife as battle-ax, the warden, ball-n-chain, buzzkill, and as one of my friends called his wife…..the virgin Mary.

                                                                                                                         marriage-sex

Does marriage sound like a good idea fellas?  Are you one of those guys who thinks that they are different?  That your girl is different, that you and you alone picked the right one?  If that’s the case then you need to play lotto, for one your odds are a lot better.

Marriage is shit guys, trust me.  If it kicked ass then those of us who fucked up and made that mistake would be telling you how shit-balls awesome it was.  But we’re not!!!!  Because it’s a bad decision for men, period.

You’re now free to grab a beer and hit the emergency exit.

     

 

Posted in Marriage, relationship, sex | Tagged: , , , , , , , | 1 Comment »

 
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